Saturday, February 24, 2007

An Offer I Can’t Refuse

I must be a very trustworthy man.

Within the past couple of weeks, I've received notes from three wonderful friends that I didn’t even knew I had. Each of them must know that I'm good with money … because each of them is humbly seeking my financial management assistance.

I am honored by their trust in me. And I am looking forward to lending them a helping hand.

Let me share with you the heartfelt, verbatim comments from one of these correspondents—with my commentary, of course.

Hello, My Name is Mr. Abdul Raham,i am 53years old. Am a citizen of Saudi Arabia, but i am resident in Cayman island.

Hi, I’m David. And, unlike you, I can write.

I have no wife but i happend to have a child of 5Yrs from my late wife who happens to die of Cancer of the Breast. For 2 years now i am seriously sick.

Talk about a downer, Abby. How about easing into the bad news?

Right now I has only about a year for to live, according to my Medical Doctor.

And I fear that’s not quite long enough to learn English.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give arms to charity rganizations and give succor and comfort to the less privileged of the Tsunami Victims.

I’m missing something … why exactly does God smile upon those who give dismembered limbs to charity?

I once asked a close friend of mine to close one my accounts in Saudi Bank and donate the money to charity organization and to the less Privileged in Bulgaria and Sudan-Africa.

It’s good to know I’m not the only one focusing my philanthropic efforts on the less fortunate in Bulgaria.

He cashed the money but kept it only to himselves.

It’s so hard to trust anyone these days—at least that’s what I say to myselves.

The last of my money, which no one knows of is the huge cash of Twenty Two million(22 Million US DOLLARS) deposited in the Vault of a financial institution in Europe for Safekeeping.

Fantastic investment idea. What’s the rate of return on cash sitting in a vault?

I want you to collect this deposit on my behalf …

No problem, buddy. This is a great offer!

… and disburse 30percent of the amount among the Mudslide Earthquake Victims in Asia, Hurricane Katrina, and for the less Privileged, 30percent for you for you time and efforts and 40 (percent) for my only child upbringing as you will be responsible for his education,health and other activities.

You want me to give away most of the cash AND adopt your kid? This offer sucks!

So i need your urgent reply so that I will not go on sourcing for a credible person to handle this project, kindly respond back to me with the information below …

I’m credible, all right—credible enough to send you that personal information you’re asking for. First, though, I’ll need to see a little downpayment on that $22 million.

Just slip it to me the next time we bump into each other, delivering food aid in Bulgaria.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Misheard Lyrics, 90s Edition

Never let it be said that I don’t do requests.

I’m referring to the general pressure on me to post another installment of perhaps my most popular series, the Misheard Lyrics Cycle; I’ve put links to the previous episodes at the end of this post.

Today’s post became necessary as I caught myself singing along to one of my favorite 90s tunes, “Song 2” by Blur. Sources tell me that the first line of the song is:

“I got my head checked/By a jumbo jet”

But that didn’t stop me from always thinking that lead singer Damon Albarn was crooning to some mysterious friend named Shay, who he felt compelled to tell about his medical provider’s nontraditional services:

“I got my head shaved/By HMO, Shay”

Laugh all you want. I’m still confident Damon will announce that, indeed, these words were the real ones all along.

Here are some other lyrical disagreements from the Nineties …

Soundgarden, “Black Hole Sun”
Actual lyric: “In my eyes, indisposed, in disguise as no one knows”

My lyric: “In my eyes, in this pose, him despised as no one knows”

I don’t know about you … but when I’m striking a pose, and I see some other guy there … I just HATE him!

Stone Temple Pilots, “Dead and Bloated”
Actual lyric: “I am smellin’ like the rose that somebody gave me on my birthday deathbed”

My lyric: I am smellin’ like the rose that somebody gave me for my birthday cab fare”

Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll finally find that one taxi that actually accepts a flower as payment—and you’ll see once and for all that MY words are right!!

Dave Matthews Band, “Don’t Drink the Water”
Actual lyric: “I live with my justice, and I live with my greed in me/I live with no mercy, and I live with my frenzy feet”

My lyric: “I live with my justice, and I live with my greed in me/I live with no mercy, and I live with my Fancy Feast”

No, I don’t like cats. I’ve never liked cats.

But dammit, Dave Matthews surely does. And rumor has it he’s always got gourmet cat food with him just in case any kittens come by …

Alanis Morissette, “You Outta Know”
Actual lyric: “Did you forget about me, Mister Duplicity?”

My lyric: “Did you forget about me, blister too … piss in tea?”

Think about it. What kind of a freak gets dumped and nicknames her ex-boyfriend “Mr. Duplicity?!?”

It’s clearly more likely that Alanis is saying that this creep forgot about her, then forgot about her blister … and then just whipped it out and took a whiz in her glass o’ Lipton.


If you’ve misheard any words from 90s songs, let’s hear it. Please don’t let me be the only one afflicted with this disease.

Trust me—you don’t want me making up words for "Macarena."

Check out the first three Misheard Lyrics episodes here:
Don’t Come Around Hear No More
What Are Words For?
Misheard Lyrics, Christmas Edition

Monday, February 12, 2007

By Jove, I Think They've Got It

The modern world can be overwhelming.

When it gets you down, what do you do? Many folks reach deep back into the past. Way into the past.

And some of those people recently made news in Greece.

CNN reported online a few weeks ago that in Athens, the worship of Zeus is making a comeback. Yes, you read that right; after more than 16 centuries, public religious ceremonies venerating Greece’s king of the gods—later known to the Romans as Jupiter or Jove—have resumed.

The celebration at the ruins of an ancient temple actually looked like fun … or at least like a scene from the 1981 movie Clash of the Titans or the Hercules TV show from the 1990s. The Zeus followers released doves, burned incense, poured wine, and chanted, all while wearing swanky period-piece robes.

Many Greek Orthodox churchgoers joined the Ministry of Culture—which had declared the site off limits—in looking askance at the gathering. It seems they wanted to uphold the legacy of the Christianized Romans, who banned the pagans’ practices back in the fourth century and drove the Zeus worshippers underground.

Not anymore.

That’s because the Greek government has recognized Ellinais—the movement behind the revival—as a religion. That’s a good step, even though with fewer than 40 members, the group may need a while to reverse the damage done by almost 2,000 years of persecution and disrespect.

Call me an optimist, but I’m guessing the group’s membership will grow quickly—especially in the United States.

After all, Zeus’s favorite tree was the oak—not only a representation of strength but also a symbol of America.

There’s too much dishonesty and cheating in the U.S., and Zeus could help out. Back in the day, he punished deceptive traders in the marketplace and his followers forced exposed liars to dedicate statues to him.

And in times when leaks dominate our news, we could use the help of Zeus—who dispatched the Harpies to torture Phineus after he dared reveal the secrets of the gods.

We’ve got a big election coming up next year. All you candidates had better tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Either that or keep your eyes open for thunderbolts.

Monday, February 05, 2007

For the Dogs

Yesterday afternoon, preparing for the big game but tiring of the increasingly inane pre-game coverage, I did waht all good men do.

I grabbed the remote and flipped channels.

Before long, I came across something I'd heard about but which I thought was a joke: the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

If you missed it, this event simply captures several frequently rotated puppies running around on a small mock football field, playing with each other and generally looking, well ... cute. It was so full of puppy love that it compelled my mother to call me to ensure I'd seen it.

And as I watched the madness, my mind went back to a post here about a year ago, about someone who took their love for a dog a bit too far. Many of you were around then and may even remember it. With a few tweaks, here it is again:

Weddings often have surprises.

If you go to enough ceremonies, you’ll see some funny things. A flower girl will refuse to walk down the aisle. A bridesmaid will pass out. A groom will shout “I don’t,” kiss the priest instead of the bride, and skip toward the door while giggling like a schoolgirl.

Maybe that last one was just my friend Dennis. (Well, now Denise.)

Regardless, madcap antics often surround the exchange of nuptials. But nowhere have such shenanigans reached the level attained by a recent wedding in India. A 7-year-old girl in the country’s eastern state of Bihar married a dog.

That was NOT a typo—a girl truly married a dog. And not one of those fancy Westminster Kennel Club types, either … it was just some random stray.

This pairing seemed like a swell idea to the girl’s family, which agreed to the wedding because—again, I’m not making this up—the ritual would do away with the “evil eye” that cursed her because her upper teeth came in before her lower teeth.

For the record, let me thank my parents publicly for not raising me in the Indian state of Bihar.

I’m not one to criticize other cultures, or argue that one society’s superstition is any more “valid” than another’s. But I’m really going to need some help with this one. If you have any insight, please educate us—how, precisely, does marrying a dog deny a tooth-induced evil eye? And, I hesitate to ask, does removing this curse require a consummation of the marriage?

Whatever the answer, it takes a cur-ageous girl to marry a dog. Either that, or the bride’s mother was a real bitch.

All this makes me wonder which teeth came in to prompt this kind of madness. Was it the molars? The incisors?

Nope. It was clearly the canines.