License to Mock

Vanity plate—those vehicle tags with personalized expressions usually limited to seven characters—have always bugged me.

I see more of them than most of you. According to a study by the American Association of Motor Vehicle Administrators, Virginia has the highest “vanity plate penetration rate” of any US state: more than 16 percent.

Sure, it’s a great way for states to make extra money, thus lowering taxes for the rest of us. I’m all in favor of that. But I’ve always had difficulty understanding why people would pay extra money just to have strangers pass them, look at their oddly abbreviated pet phrase, and say one of two things:

“How clever!”

(or)

“What the &#$% does that mean?!?”

Well, one New Zealander’s ingenuity caught up with him recently when, according to this story form the online Boston Herald, his Subaru Impreza was stolen.

What did its plate say?

STOWLN.

That goes in the “Vanity Plate, How Appropriate” file. Just like these:

Senator Ted Stevens: CORRUPT

Barack Obama: ROBNHUD

Sarah Palin: ICRUSHA

Mainstream news media: 2BIASED

My financial advisor: GOODLCK

And I’m ashamed to admit that back in the day I used to have a vanity plate. So I must add:

David Amulet: HYPOCRT

What's In a Name, Version 2.0

Some hack writer from the late 16th and early 17th centuries named William Shakespeare famously asked, “What’s in a name?” He’d be shocked by what goes for a name these days.

Jennifer Thornburg wanted to make a statement about animal dissection in schools. She simply went a step beyond what most of us would do by officially changing her name to a URL address:

www.CutoutDissection.com

Her name, as you might suspect, takes interested Internet surfers to a PETA-linked site criticizing animal dissection. Clever, very clever … except that her driver’s license reads Dissection.com, Cutout.

Yikes.

Like all things Web, this could catch on:

With her Today show announcement that she’ll probably have more kids with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie will become OneWomanRepopulatingTheEarth.com.

With their recent comedy performance at the annual Al Smith Dinner in New York, Barack Obama and John McCain will vie to become BetterAtStandUpThanAtCampaigning.com.

With the shameful media attention to his personal life after he was cited as an “everyman” in the final presidential candidate debate, “Joe the Plumber” will become LeaveMeTheF#@%Alone.com.

With the lack of any real response to their reunion, New Kids on the Block will become DidAnyoneNoticeWeGotBackTogether?.com.

With Obama treating McCain like George W. Bush, McCain will become StopPretendingI’mGeorgeWBush.com.

With Obama expected to get more votes from people excited about the idea of him than people excited about him, he will become KeepPretendingI’mJFK.com.

With the ubiquitous TV ads for Subway’s line of cheap sandwiches, it won’t be long before some ambitious porn star will become Five-Dollar-Footlong.com.

Amulet, Bringer of Truth

I call things as I see them. It’s just what I do.

Many people don’t like it. Especially when they think I’m on “their” side. It turns out that I’m on the side of only one thing: the truth.

With all of the spin and propaganda flying around, our world needs someone like me. But jacked up. Super-sized. Ginormous.

A man to speak the truth, no matter how much it shocks our beliefs. A bastion of honesty and reason in a world of deception and superstition.

We need a superhero, and it turns out we have one just in time. Thanks to Cube—who found the splendid time-wasting superhero creator at the Marvel Comics website—we now can see a likeness of our anonymous warrior. Just click on the image below to enlarge.

Without further ado, witness the Captain of Candor, the Savior of Sanity:

Amulet, Bringer of Truth