Here Comes the Bribe
So many factors fuel America’s slide into apathy and obesity that it’s hard to know where to begin laying the blame. We can certainly point the finger at fast food and video games. Soft drinks. Starbucks. Xbox. PlayStation. Don’t forget the people parked on the couch watching reality TV instead of living in reality.
Oh yes, and then there’s the gym teacher in Florida charged with taking bribes from students who want to sit out of P.E. class.
In Pensacola, kids don’t have be sick to sidestep the hardships of the few remaining physical requirements in the U.S. educational system. According to the authorities, you could just slip one clever teacher a dollar a day and feel free to sit on your ass and watch the others play.
A great scam if you can get away with it. Everybody wins: the rich kids have more time to gossip, fewer students get injured in overcrowded half-court basketball games, and the teacher supplements his paltry income. And, just like every crime on Scooby-Doo, he would’ve gotten away with it.
If it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Some punks—probably scrawny nerds crawling away from dodgeball with welts the size of casabas all over their bodies—ratted the scheme out to their parents, who told the principal. Paradise lost.
But there is a bright side to the story. The debacle has refocused our attention on other Americans, whose bribes may have helped them escape certain school classes—with dramatic consequences:
Aaron Burr/Alexander Hamilton: Conflict resolution
Ted Kennedy: Driver’s education
Former LAPD Officer Mark Fuhrman: Criminal science
Bill Clinton: Ethics
George W. Bush: English
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay: Accounting
Hilary Clinton: Home economics
Dick Cheney: Gun safety
Britney Spears: Child care