Here Comes the Bribe
So many factors fuel America’s slide into apathy and obesity that it’s hard to know where to begin laying the blame. We can certainly point the finger at fast food and video games. Soft drinks. Starbucks. Xbox. PlayStation. Don’t forget the people parked on the couch watching reality TV instead of living in reality.
Oh yes, and then there’s the gym teacher in Florida charged with taking bribes from students who want to sit out of P.E. class.
In Pensacola, kids don’t have be sick to sidestep the hardships of the few remaining physical requirements in the U.S. educational system. According to the authorities, you could just slip one clever teacher a dollar a day and feel free to sit on your ass and watch the others play.
A great scam if you can get away with it. Everybody wins: the rich kids have more time to gossip, fewer students get injured in overcrowded half-court basketball games, and the teacher supplements his paltry income. And, just like every crime on Scooby-Doo, he would’ve gotten away with it.
If it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Some punks—probably scrawny nerds crawling away from dodgeball with welts the size of casabas all over their bodies—ratted the scheme out to their parents, who told the principal. Paradise lost.
But there is a bright side to the story. The debacle has refocused our attention on other Americans, whose bribes may have helped them escape certain school classes—with dramatic consequences:
Aaron Burr/Alexander Hamilton: Conflict resolution
Ted Kennedy: Driver’s education
Former LAPD Officer Mark Fuhrman: Criminal science
Bill Clinton: Ethics
George W. Bush: English
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay: Accounting
Hilary Clinton: Home economics
Dick Cheney: Gun safety
Britney Spears: Child care
posted by David Amulet @ 7:12 AM
37 wisecracks
37 Comments:
But I realy think bush should have at least done good in da english. Hell he knew he was going to be the president, his daddy told him so.
News of that gym class teacher just blew me away when I heard it. I thought "Why the hell couldn't I have had a gym teacher like that, dammit!"
No child should be allowed to bribe themselves out of dodgeball. It teaches such strong life lessons. Like taking out the weak first and it is always best to take out the strong when their back is turned. I don't know how many times in life that I have had to dodge the proverbial red ball. Shame on this gym teacher.
15 years ago this story would have made me jealous.I would have willingly paid a dollar a day when I was a kid if it meant avoiding the horrors of gym class.
Now, as a teacher, this story makes me sick. I see what gym teachers get away with doing and get away with NOT doing everyday. If only I had the slightest shred of athletic ability...:(
You gotta love Capitalism and Education fusing as one in this situation.
Here's another example for you:
Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Anniston: Drama
Dodgeball was one of the few gym "sports" I was good at. I was great at DODGING the ball, but it rarely ended well. As more and more of my teammates were eliminated there was a higher volume of balls being aimed at me.
Oh and in the winter months they also offered Cross-country skiing at my school. Having been a skiier since about age six or seven, I quite enjoyed the skiing. The alternative was staying inside and running laps around the perimeter of the gym.
I like the use of dodgeball as a metaphor for life. Maybe it should be a required first-year course in college, just in case kids buy their way out of it in their younger years.
Phoenix: nice one, except I think that those three learned the art of drama all too well!
Perplexio: I've heard stories of kids who use skis to get to school instead of walking. Sounds good to me, unless you have to strap the skis on your back and wear them around all day.
-- david
If my locker had been tall enough to fit my skis and there weren't so much asphalt, I would have gladly skiied to school every day.
There's not a lot that I miss about living near the Adirondacks, but I do miss skiing and I do miss the scenery, and that whole being close to nature thing.
I used to make sure that I signed up for the gym classes that did not require wearing gym clothes. If the activity could be done in street clothes, I couldn't wait to sign up! Riflery; archery; and walking.
One exception: I would put on my gym clothes if I could get a trampoline class. I loved the trampoline! Fun times.
Where was this guy when I needed him?
At my school, "field hockey" was basically, "Tough kids beat the nerds with plastic sticks, with impunity, while an adult watches, chuckles, and encourages."
Guess who was a "nerd" in junior high??
For European Handball-- it was one of the few gym "sports" where I wasn't picked last or close to last. Through some bizarre fluke it was discovered I was pretty solid in goal. I just used the reverse-dodgeball mentality-- put my body in front of the ball at all costs! It seemed to work.
Fred: I know, I know ... that's why I've held off until now. I can't beat one of the first headlines I saw about the incident, playing off of the Aerosmith hit: "Cheney's Got a Gun." But I was making this list anyway, and it seemed to fit right in.
It's shocking how much I'm learning about your childhoods. I feel like putting up a sign that says "The Doctor Is In: Advice 5 Cents."
My free advice to all: Let's throw balls at Fuzz and Perplexio, try to hit the trampoline-jumping KC, and hit the Zen Wizard with sticks.
-- david
I was that strange hybrid os sissy and jock.
I never got picked last in gym, because chances are, i could help the team (b-ball, kickball, dodge ball (and 'specially *truth-or-dare*)) which made my school-boy teammates examine and mellow their own homophobic tendancies.
("he's a homo, but he's also sprye as a gazelle...")
Ah, memories of gymclass are soooooooo bittersweet.
Only a dollar a day? I think that teacher could have gotten more.
Kids being "forced" to move their bodies quickly and raise their heart rate is child abuse. Schools should be ashamed for grading kids on physical fitness.
What about balancing it out by giving A's to the fattest kid, or the one with the highest cholesterol, or the one with the thickest neck?
Al Gore: Stress Management
What about the academic teachers that said "do thus and so" and you'll get an "A"? Yes, that is the voice of experience talking ...
Can I add ~ Barney Frank: Sex Ed
Love the list about what we learned from other Americans!!!
Again, I'm learning a lot here ... if only I were a trained psychologist. Thanks to all for the comments.
Kitty: There is something to be said for identifying the target clerly, as opposed to moving the goalposts, but that kind of directions seems to stifle creativity a bit, doesn't it?
Jamie, Godwhacker: Good additions!
- david
hahah I could make a fortune charging my students money to not turn in their homework.. what a great idea :)
Nick Lachey Ancient History
Michael Jackson Early Childhood Development
Jose Canseco Chemistry
Excellent, Jim! I don't know how I missed the Michael Jackson line ... maybe it's because I try to avoid thinking of Michael Jackson.
I also don't understand how this genius teacher thought he would get away with it. Did he think that the paying kids wouldn't brag about it ... or that the non-payers wouldn't rat him out?
-- david
Good Scooby Doo reference.
(David - I loved your comment on Joe Perry on my classic rock blog!!!! Too funny!)
I heard this story on Bob & Tom a couple days ago, and it cracked me up. Kind of a brilliant idea, but pretty damn sad that he even had demand from kids to try and pull it off.
Oh yeah, please don't hate me, but:
Tag, you're it!
Damn! Only a buck! He could have gotten at least $5 per kid.
i must have been weird, i liked gym class. I even took a few PE classes as electives in high school, and one in college. I got an A for playing outside...YAE! whats better than that. THis teacher is only teaching students to be lazy.
The list at the end is just awesome. How do you come up with these gems?
And not for anything, but a dollar a day? Those kids got off cheap! I'd have paid more than that.
That is so messed up. Yet...ingenious.
Today I saw a school bus that was covered in an ice cream advert instead of painted the normal yellow. Apparently, corps can now "sponsor" school buses.
Great comments. My ideas, to answer a few queries, come from the voices in my head. Or the chip the aliens implanted in there. Or from my channeling of a very witty 3rd century B.C. Greek comic.
I find that bus hard to believe, but I guess that's the way it's going. What's next, print ads in school textbooks?
-- david
Mojotek: Thanks for the offer, but sorry, no can do. I have publicly stated my unwilingness to play tag any longer: here's the link.
I return your tag to you in its original condition for a refund.
-- david
Britney Spears and child care makes me cringe! Maybe Bill can be responsible for redefining sex-ed at schools!
I would still bang Britany!!! hey Dave are you up for a link exchange? let me know...
Sure. I'm putting your link up now ... thanks for continuing to stop by.
-- david
I wish you'd post more often. The blogosphere is lacking in smart, excellent humor.
Nice white list !
And which place for Terminator ?
Thanks, Jamie -- I feel very affirmed today. Spread the word if you like what you see, and know that I appreciate the compliment.
If I had more time to write this free stuff for fun, I would post more often ... but I have other paying jobs that require attention. Until I hear a good suggestion that leads to payment for these essays, you'll only see posts two or three times a week when I can steal some time to draft something.
Someone else who just starting posting and has a similar style is my friend Curare Z; you can find her here at "Poisonous Points."
You should see a new post here tomorrow, assuming no pianos fall from the sky and squish me like a pancake.
-- david
I actually did something similar when I was in Jr. High. I would sit back and read the newspaper in class with a friend of mine on the presumption that I'd try to get the teacher tickets to an LPGA tournament. Still passed and wasn't able to get the tickets.
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