Bad Lyrics, Part I

Longtime readers here know that misheard lyrics haunt me, as I’ve written about here, here, here, and here. But now I’m going an extra step and addressing something much more sinister than misheard lyrics: bad lyrics.

We hear many awful lyrics, many words that should never have been put to paper, much less set to music. Today, I’m calling out just a few especially horrid lyrics I’ve heard in the past few days:

Artist and song: KISS, “Burn Bitch Burn”
Bad lyric: I wanna put my log in your fireplace.

Even for sex addict and notorious bad lyricist Gene Simmons, this one’s pathetic.

Think about it. He’s telling us that he wants to put his “log” into her “fireplace,” which will not only make his thing burn but also morph it into a pile of smoldering cinders. Not so good for future performance; even Viagra can’t help you get a pile of ashes up.

You must want to get in that particular “fireplace” really, really badly if you’re willing to exclude any chance for future coitus.

Now THAT is horny.

Artist and song: Bon Jovi, “I’ll Be There For You”
Bad lyric: When you breathe, I want to be the air for you.

Ugh. Apart from the inherent cheesiness of this line, closer examination reveals it is far from a tender, loving proposal.

Jon Bon is telling you, lucky lady, that he wants to become a non-sentient gas so that he can provide your body the oxygen it needs to survive.

In essence, he wants to be so embedded in every cell of your body that you can’t escape him. You literally can’t live without him. You’ll die within minutes if you don’t inhale him.

Now THAT sounds like obsession.

Artist and song: The Beatles, “The End”
Bad lyric: And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Go ahead, accuse me of blasphemy. I’m criticizing the classic end to a classic suite on a classic album by a classic group. Fine. But this is an awful lyric.

First, love cannot be taken like a buffet item. It’s not a measurable quantity, something you only have so much to give or receive. Attention, sure … but not love.

Second, there’s that whole supposed equality thing. Even if you could “take” love, why would it end up equal to the love you “make?”

Third, I wonder what “the love you make” means. If it refers to the love you give, then it’s stupid for the same reason as “the love you take.” If it refers to intimate physical contact (lovemaking), then it’s even more stupid. The amount of sex you get has minimal correlation with any measure of the amount of love you receive.

The Beatles had the chance here to knock us out. Instead they gave us this schlock.

Now THAT was a wasted opportunity.

Artist and song: Artist (thankfully) unknown, “Awesome God”
Bad lyric: Our God is an awesome God.

I heard this one on a TV commercial last night, an excruciatingly annoying ad for some Christian rock compilation CD. And it spurred a couple of thoughts right away:

Holy Anthropomorphism, Batman!. This song sure implies that the singer’s God is a rather needy and insecure idol.

What kind of an all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the universe would invent creatures so inferior to him that they cannot even understand his fundamental nature—and then enjoys that they sing constant reminders of how tremendous he is?

This sounds more like a petty medieval autocrat than anything “awesome.”

From the “no shit” file … Why did someone feel the need to express this idea at all? Does the singer really need to remind the faithful about the remarkable nature of divinity?

I’d be much more impressed if these believers worshipped their deity of choice while declaring “Our God is a mediocre God” or maybe “Our God is a crappy God.”

Now THAT would be faith.