Thursday, February 28, 2008

Fall’s Well That Ends Well: Redux

Once in a while, you need to take a step backward before taking a step forward.

That’s what I’m doing today. Below is one my posts from a couple of years ago this month, minus the now-dead link to the original story.

Some of you read this site then; most of you weren’t visiting yet. I hope you all enjoy it now while I take a vacation until late next week.

Most of us have made fools of ourselves in public.

Maybe you uttered something during an important meeting that you shouldn’t have let slip out. (Consider me guilty.) Possibly you walked into a party with your buttons unbuttoned, your belt unbuckled, or your zipper unzipped. (Consider me very, very guilty.)

Perhaps you even admit on your blog that you listen to cheesy 80s music. Way too often. (No comment.)

But I’m betting that you didn’t (A) trip on your own shoelace, (B) fall down a museum stairwell, and (C) shatter three near-priceless Qing Dynasty vases.

So let’s just say your day wasn’t as bad as the guy who did those things last Wednesday while visiting the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge. The Chinese artifacts that he reduced to fragments had been crafted in the late 17th or early 18th century—making them older than the Rolling Stones.

The Rolling Stones. Yes, ALL of them—combined.

The museum director was gracious about the “regrettable accident,” emphasizing that he and his co-workers were simply “glad that the visitor involved was able to leave the museum unharmed.”

Translation: The clutz hauled ass before the curator could beat the crap out of him.

This story brings to mind some other historical stumbles with memorable results:

Michael Jackson. The King of Pop faced criminal charges because he was seen getting too friendly with the younglings. But remember, Michael always wore moonwalk slippers, and those things are damn slippery. Perhaps he just fell a lot—and always found himself grasping for anything to break his fall.

Conveniently, he always had those little boys around.

The atomic bomb. We didn’t really mean to drop it, you know. We just wanted to open the airplane's big doors and show it off. Let the Japanese SEE it and panic. Then, we planned to fly away in peace and accept their surrender later that day. Those airmen just lost their grip, that’s all.

Oops. Our bad.

O.J. Simpson. Everybody suspects that he killed Nicole. Few people realize that he didn’t really intend to hurt her; he merely slipped and fell because he couldn't see well in the dark night. Oh yes, and he just happened to have a big-ass dagger in his hand.

If he put a knife in her throat because the sidewalk wasn’t lit … you must acquit.

As for the unidentified man who staggered into the Chinese vases, he wishes he weren’t part of this sordid history.

He’s probably going over that unfortunate moment again and again in his mind. Could he have tied his laces more tightly? What prevented him from keeping his balance? Why didn’t he grab on to a rail, or stair, or a fellow museum visitor?

At least he could have taken some e-vase-ive action.


At February 28, 2008 3:49 PM, Blogger Nessa replied to my musings ...

Did you hear MJ has to sell Neverland?

A co-worker recently tripped standing still and dislocated her knee.

Happy Vaykay.

At February 28, 2008 5:05 PM, Blogger zen wizard replied to my musings ...

Whoa--I remember this post!

That Ginkgo biloba stuff really does work!!

At February 28, 2008 5:47 PM, Blogger BeckEye replied to my musings ...

"Perhaps you even admit on your blog that you listen to cheesy 80s music. Way too often. "


I'm not sensing the problem here.

At February 28, 2008 7:21 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Nessa: Tripping while standing still? That's a new one even for me.

ZW: You are one of the stalwarts. Wow, I've been waiting a long time to use that word ...

Beckeye: Not a problem for folks like us. Only for closed-minded, moronic, self-loathing losers.

And that's not us.

At February 28, 2008 9:40 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

I tend to fall going up stairs. It's a genetic thing in my family from my father's side. I did really well in a race one time, actually riding far beyond my ability, finishing far ahead of where I should have considering the terrain that day. As I crossed the line, in front of many people (it was a pretty big stage race in the midwest) and the podium girls, I shook my head to wake up, lost balance, and fell over. Pretty embarassing.

At February 29, 2008 1:09 AM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

OMG is this the end? Is this really the end?


At February 29, 2008 2:03 PM, Blogger An80sNut replied to my musings ...

I'm with BeckEye on this one. Feeling a little singled out for listening to "cheesy 80s music" and mentioning it on the blog. Hmmm... well, then again 'cheesy' needs to be defined... I could be safe.

At February 29, 2008 3:19 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Gosh...I feel like an old timer...I remember you posting this story from before! :)

I fell down a flight of stairs in nothing but a t-shirt, my underware and a pair of socks. I didn't bust any vases but I did manage to shred off all my skin from my knee to my ankle.

Thank God I was about three sheets to the wind when it happened 'cause I'm sure had I been sober, it would've hurt like a BITCH.


At March 01, 2008 8:24 PM, Blogger BeckEye replied to my musings ...

Hey, I can be moronic! :)

At March 02, 2008 10:23 PM, Blogger Jack replied to my musings ...

Proper decorum and a sudden loss of memory prevents me from sharing my stories.

At March 02, 2008 11:12 PM, Blogger Jeff replied to my musings ...

Wow, talk about a bad day. That must be one story to tell. He probably broke something that is worth more than my house. Probably even more than four years of the college I go to, even though that doesn't seem plausible...

At March 03, 2008 12:27 AM, Blogger Phats replied to my musings ...

Ha I liked this post. That would be one expensive trip there eh? I have fallen on my head in front of 62,000 people that's pretty embarrassing I think!

OJ geesh the man needs to be sent somewhere to be eaten by wolves.

Hey you in for my Bracket contest this year?

At March 04, 2008 4:10 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

And Monica Lewinsky just happened to trip and fall face-first into Bill Clinton's groin?

One of the more embarrassing events for me was a few years back when I had a series of Tobias Funke-esque (David Cross on Arrested Development) verbal gaffes that were cause for considerable laughter from my co-workers and would have been cause of suspicion of my sexual orientation from those who didn't know me.

At March 04, 2008 6:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

LOVED this post! Remind me one of these days to write about my (in)famous fall that damn near got me arrested ;-)

Lisa B.

At March 05, 2008 5:37 PM, Blogger Janet replied to my musings ...

I don't remember if I read this the first time, but you had me at cheesy eighties music.:)

At March 07, 2008 12:27 PM, Blogger Tina replied to my musings ...

You always amuse me. Thanks.

At March 07, 2008 1:36 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Mike: And to think, none of us would have known if you hadn't told us.

Cube: The end? NO, not even close.

Martin: I see nothing wrong with mocking myself for music that I recognize is simple and a bit tacky, even if fun. I'll cite Trio's "Da Da Da" as an example.

PQ: I'm honored that you remember it. And you're right--drunk sometimes has its advantages.

Beckeye: I"m willing to call myself cheesy, moronic, or just about anything else!

Jack: Wow. Sounds like you need to see a doctor.

At March 07, 2008 1:40 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Jeff: It may be worth more than both of us combined!

Phats: Falling down in front of 62,000 people may be the record here. Nicely done.

Perplexio: It's good to keep 'em guessing.

Lisa: I would LOVE to hear that story!

Janet: Many of us proudly broadcast our love of the cheesy '80s music.

Tina: Gee, now I'm blushing ...

At March 09, 2008 3:56 AM, Blogger tworabbitshow replied to my musings ...

I strongly suspect the reason that the museum didn't take any action was because they didn't want to be counter-sued because their stairs were "too vertical" or some other litigious horseshit.

I got too drunk at a party once and threw up in a wastepaper basket. That doesn't sound so bad, until I tell you it was made of mesh.

At March 09, 2008 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

e-vase-ive action? LMFAO! I am grinning from ear to ear!


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