Don't Mix Headlines and Blurred Vision
I'm not a news junkie, but I like to keep up on the headlines.
Several times a day, I scan one of the major news sites, like BBC or CNN, just to see what's going on. Sure, I get my news in nearly useless soundbite form—with stories told in eight words or fewer—but that's usually enough for me.
Only one problem. When I'm not focusing fully, my eyes tend to see things that aren't there ... or just combine ideas that are there, but jumble them up.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I saw these headlines early this morning:
Clinton and Obama play nice in school hallway
Girl stabbed seven times in debate
Microsoft seeks to buy Midwest
Giant storm pounds Yahoo!
Ticker: Obama endorses McCain
Schwarzenegger ranked most liberal in Senate
Mom: Top al Qaeda terrorist resting at hospital
Sources: Britney Spears killed
I think it’s time to tune out again. This world’s freakin' crazy.
Except for that last one. Honestly, isn't that what we're all expecting to hear one of these days?
posted by David Amulet @ 10:03 AM
19 wisecracks
19 Comments:
I think you're right about poor Ms Spears. Unless you live in a cave, you can't help but know all the ins and outs (of rehab) of her life. It's sad, because she is a person and we're all watching her publicly self-destruct.
Time for new reading glasses, Toots! Either that or stop drinking those Bloody Mary's with your B-Fast ;-)
Having a Tivo makes the news ticker more sensible. B) But seeing the scrambling does prove something to me... that I could have believed the headlines.
No such apostrophe issues on your site, David. I think it mainly happens in the HTML Meta tag for page title at the top of the browser (both IE and Firefox have the issue.) When it gets saved as a favorite/bookmark it puts it (with possible apostrophe error) as the name of the favorite/bookmark. You are safe, though. B)
Digressing, the bottom 4 seem like prognostication to me.
Bob: I've heard of office pools on when she will kick the bucket. Sad but true.
Lisa: Welcome back; I hope you had a good trip and a great birthday. This one I can't blame on Bloody Marys; other beverages may have been involved.
Martin: Thanks for the browser check. I always use Safari, so I'm frequently surprised by what Firefox, IE, Netscape, et al. pull up that differs from what I see. Good point on the last few, which aren't that far off!
-- david
We (society) need Ms. Spears to live long enough to tarnish her image to such a point that she becomes forgotten. An early demise will not do that, only prevent that from ever happening. I do not want her to be martyred and spoken in the same conversation as artists with actual talent. She is not the equal of the many great artists who succumbed to an early demise.
Aren't those real headlines? They look like ones I see.
I once had that happen with one of my wife's boxes of tampons... I misread "cardboard applicator" as "carbonated applicator" and thought to myself "wouldn't that make her vagina all fizzy?"
Wait, Microsoft didn't try to buy the Midwest? Maybe it was just the west then...
WIGSF: Excellent point. I've heard enough about the much-overstated "genius" of Kurt Cobain; I don't want to hear the same about Bitney just because she kills herself young.
Nessa: Real headlines are often stranger than fiction.
Perplexio: You did NOT just type that. Wait, let me check ... oh yes, you did. Yikes.
Jeff: I thought this one was the most probable to come true.
-- david
Sometimes misread headlines are better than the real ones.
But David, you must admit, "The Vaginal Fizzes" would make a great band name... Right up there with "Liquor Bachs" (which actually does exist, one of the guys in the band emailed me on myspace soliciting the band-- I responded to him with kudos for having such a clever band name).
Oh, that's great, hahahaha! To imagine there used to be a countdown to legality for Britney. Now she's in a dead pool. Sad times...
Well, at least she's been committed for a while....maybe she can straighten out? If not, I have no doubt that's what the headline will read one day.
Celebrities are dropping like flies. Britney, Winehouse et al better take care of their demons before they join the celestial choir.
You, on the other hand, could use a visit to the eye doctor. I'm just saying... ;-)
No,the last one would be "Britney Spears Found Dead" and the story would go on to explain how she got so drunk that she passed out, causing her head to fall right into her big bag of Cheetos, in which she suffocated.
Janet: Sometimes? I'd say most of the time!
Perpelxio: You are correct--that is, indeed, one of the best band names I've heard.
Ray: She's treading water in that dead pool ...
PQ: Is she back in the hospital again? Man, I just can't keep up.
Cube: I predict Dustin Diamond, too. My pick in the death pool was last, obviously.
Beckeye: Cheetos? I always pictured her as more of a pork rinds kind of girl.
-- david
hahaha nice! I uhh hope you either learn to concentrate better or get better glasses my friend.
Although the last one could very easily be true.
BTW who wins UNC/Duke I say Duke by 8. they are playing some great ball
'Tis a pity there wasn't one that read "Microsoft seeks to buy Britney". I mean, she'd still be patchy and full of bugs, but at least there'd be an upgrade every once in a while.
Phats: I'm cautiously optimistic, even though UNC's inside game spells trouble. I predict yet another game for the ages between these two good teams.
TRS: She crashes way too often for even Bill Gates to invest in that.
-- david
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