Friday, October 05, 2007

What's in a Cave?

Homo sapiens is a curious species, never satisfied with the here and now. No matter what our age, the urge to explore is in our genes.

(Since junior high, I’ve also hoped that the ladies have the urge to explore in my jeans … but that’s not relevant to this story.)

We have extended our wanderlust from continents to the entire globe to the solar system, and yet we keep finding new things to amaze us. In the realm of astronomy, discoveries ranging from volcanoes on Jupiter’s moon to lakes on the surface of Saturn’s moon Titan keep space junkies like me wondering what we’ll see next.

Here’s something. According to a story on, NASA’s Mars orbiters have discovered possible caves on the Red Planet’s surface. Seven, in fact.

For the experts, this suggests a higher probability of underground habitats that could moderate the temperature swings the surface suffers—and possibly better conditions for indigenous life on Mars at some point in its history.

For me, it presents likely locations for some well-known disappearances:

Ambrose Bierce. The witty author vanished in the Chihuahua state of Mexico in 1913. Mars could be his current location—it’s a hell of a lot more likely than in the belly of one of the Taco Bell dog’s hungry ancestors.

Amelia Earhart. In 1937, she disappeared while flying over the South Pacific. Maybe her plane simply had better range than we ever suspected.

Glenn Miller. The famous bandleader was traveling from England to France in 1944 and never arrived. If he went to Mars, he could have invented new forms of music we can’t even imagine. Or maybe just the same crap he did down here.

D.B. Cooper. This story is amazing. A man in 1971 receives $200,000 in ransom, hijacks a plane, and jumps out over the Pacific Northwest—never to be heard from again. Instead of descending to Earth, did he have a rocket pack and ascend to Mars?

Jimmy Hoffa. This American labor leader vanished in 1975. Given the power of the unions at the time, it’s possible he was sent on a secret mission to set up the first labor organization on the Red Planet.

Natalee Holloway. Aruba is a long way from Mars, true … but investigators haven’t turned up any trace of this Alabama teenager who disappeared on a high school trip in 2005. NASA rovers should add blond hair to their list of things to look for in their meanderings.

Madeleine McCann. In May, this three-year-old went missing from a resort in Portugal while her parents had a bite to eat nearby. I recognize that millions of miles is a long way to crawl, especially through interstellar space, but I haven’t heard many better ideas.

David Amulet. Last week, he just faded away. Gone, into thin air, like a ghost. Did he go up to Mars? Nobody knows, but thankfully I—his evil twin—will happily fill in for him. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for some tabasco-flavored posts.

I'm not nearly as nice as my twin.


At October 05, 2007 12:19 PM, Anonymous whatigotsofar replied to my musings ...

Interesting theory, unfortunetely I know the where-abouts of two of those people. Jimmy Hoffa is buried underneath Giants Stadium and DB Cooper is Adam West.

At October 05, 2007 12:38 PM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

Was that your genes you wanted explored or your jeans? Or is that killing two birds with one stone?


Careful with those evil twins, their horns can be twice as sharp.

At October 05, 2007 3:08 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

Hmmm, I wonder if those caves are the places were the odd socks from the dryers go.

At October 05, 2007 5:08 PM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) replied to my musings ...

Oh, I think I like you even better than your brother!

Speaking of tabasso and jeans...that must be what you're carrying around in your front pocket, a bottle of Tobassco sauce.

At October 06, 2007 1:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

An unfortunate story about that David Amulet, who's jeans am I going to explore now?

At October 06, 2007 12:12 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

WIGSF: I remember hearing that about Hoffa, but it was only the claim of one mob guy ... and Myth Busters looked at the likely locations at the stadium and didn't find him. Never heard that about Cooper, though...

GW; Twice as sharp only stabs half as long.

Angel: That would explain a lot about my wardrobe.

Barbara: My twin has his moments, but being evil rocks.

Fatty: No need to be so hasty with this stopping in the jeans thing.

-- david

At October 06, 2007 11:52 PM, Blogger Gyrobo replied to my musings ...

Bah! Just another hippie trying to ban wormholes. Subspace is not an "environment."

At October 08, 2007 9:55 AM, Blogger DaBich replied to my musings ...

Hey, I heard about a David Amulet sighting...he was spotted at Wal-mart in the men's jeans department ;)

At October 08, 2007 6:17 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

I find DB Cooper's mystery one of the greatest. It's one of those things that has become the stuff of legend.

I bet he's on Mars, in a cave. Maybe hanging out with Osama.

At October 08, 2007 7:45 PM, Anonymous LisaBinDaCity replied to my musings ...

Ooh, I love evil twins! Always with a gleam in their eye ;-)

I think I saw David in New York. It was hard to tell though, he was trying on a Halloween costume. What it was I have NO IDEA ;-)

At October 09, 2007 6:30 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Gyrobo: I wish that I understood enough to agree.

Dabich: Probably a mistaken sighting--D.A. isn't known to venture near WalMart. Are you sure you didn't mean Hot Topic?

The Phoenix: Wouldn't we all be amazed if Cooper turned out to be someone we know?

Lisa: Let me know if you see him again. And be careful--he has a bad habit of wooing pretty women around Halloween ...

-- me

At October 09, 2007 4:20 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

I believe both the Democratic and Republican party platforms for 2008 are hidden in those caves as well.

And I think William Jefferson has a meat locker he uses for his "greenback storage" in one of the caves as well.

They're installing public restrooms for Congressman Craig to cruise.

What I can't figure out though... If Foley and Craig are/were both gay. Why not set them up with each other? It would minimize their damage with underage boys and public restrooms (respectively)... And I believe there's a Martian cave just waiting for them to move-in and decorate!

At October 10, 2007 9:41 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

I have always been of the belief that the subject of ladies exploring my jeans are relevant to any story.

At October 11, 2007 12:57 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

There are some others that SHOULD be disappeared into those caves. Just sayin' is all.

At October 11, 2007 1:57 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Hee, hee...loved that second paragraph there, you tabasco-flavored guy, you!

At October 11, 2007 7:35 PM, Blogger Phats replied to my musings ...

You forgot the Purdue offense this past week went MIA!

Have you ever seen the movie open water about a couple that gets left at sea while scuba diving on vacation. I don't want to say too much because you might want to watch it someday, anyway some people believe that what happened in the movie is very inaccurate and they are living the life of luxury on some island because he was in great debt when they went on the vacation.

At October 14, 2007 6:19 PM, Blogger Nessa replied to my musings ...

The other twin is never nice. Don't you watch TV?

Is Elvis on Mars?

At October 15, 2007 3:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

Ooooh evil twin? Delicious.

At October 16, 2007 2:58 PM, Blogger DaBich replied to my musings ...

OMG! Hot Topic! I was just in there Sunday...I *LOVE* that store!

At October 17, 2007 9:34 AM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

So that's where you went. I always thought you were spaced out ;-)

BTW my evil twin likes to dress up as a dodecahedron.

At October 20, 2007 5:15 PM, Blogger Ray Van Horn, Jr. replied to my musings ...

and I just reviewed the Masters of Horror DVD The Damned Thing from Ambrose Bierce's short story...weird long as the tabasco-flavored posts contain the tags "Sir Fart a Lot" or "Anal Propulsion" we're good to go


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