The Great White Decline
Say what you want about David Amulet, but he’s certainly a man who celebrates diversity and appreciates other cultures. He may show it oddly—by mocking everyone equally, with the possible exception of the French—but there’s a lot of affection behind it. Or so he’d have you believe.
Among the many countries I respect is Canada. As America’s neighbor to the north, it holds a special place in my heart. Canada has given the world many things to be grateful for, including:
Michael J. Fox
Alexander Keith’s beer
The Guess Who
The phrase, “eh?”
I could go on, but I won’t. It goes downhill from there, trust me.
Because my love for Canada runs so deep, I’m very disappointed in the news out this week about the country’s sad decline. According to Reuters, a recent poll indicates that more than half of Canadians have such a poor understanding of their homeland that they would fail the simple test given to potential immigrants. The results show a 33% decline in basic knowledge from a similar poll taken ten years ago.
Less than 5 percent could identify the three requirements a Canadian must meet to vote. I’m not Canadian, but I already know two of them: When waiting to vote, Canadians must (1) be polite to each other in line, and (2) wear a hockey jersey.
Only about 30 percent could identify the number of provinces and territories. My count may be off, too, but I’m guessing most Canadians forgot to include North Dakota, Maine, and the Gaza Strip.
And, sadly, only 8 percent knew that the Queen was officially Canada’s head of state. The poll didn’t say whether any respondents correctly identified the name of the Queen, which I’m smart enough to know is “Latifah.”
The most disturbing potential lack of Canadian self-awareness, however, didn’t even show up in the poll.
With global warming, it won’t be too long before Canada’s real estate becomes tropical. Soon, the Great White North will be the Great White Beach, a lush paradise containing Earth’s best weather. Do Canadians know they are about to become the destination of choice for the world’s jet set?
Probably. After all, Canadians like Avril Lavigne, Shania Twain, and Céline Dion will be perfect for lounges at cheap resorts.