Disappearing Acts

We all wish some things would just go away. If we all concentrate, can’t we just get rid of them?

I’m thinking of things like cancer. Child abuse. Starvation. Cruelty to animals. Let’s throw in bigotry. Censorship. Holier-than-thou intolerance. Pontificating bloggers.

(Hmmm. Maybe not so fast on that last one.)

Thankfully, one of you out there must have focused really hard of K-Fed, because I haven’t heard about him in months.

But someone’s cheating.

According to this Associated Press story via CNN.com, a 100-feet-deep, five-acre lake in Chile has vanished.

Again: a body of water, not insignificant in size, has completely disappeared for no reason that experts are yet been able to identify. This is not a false alarm—this is not a test.

Look at the facts. In March, the medium-sized lake was there, according to park rangers. Floating casually on the surface were large pieces of ice … which, by late May, were sitting on the floor of a crater where the water had been. The water? Gone.

No significant geological activity, such as earthquakes, has occurred in the region recently, ruling out the idea that underground fissures allowed the water to escape because scientists cannot find another cause for cracks that could have drained the lake.

So the mystery remains. Whoever visited the lake early this spring and wished it away has an amazing power—one that could be better employed to make these more worthy targets disappear:

Muffin tops. I just heard the phrase to describe this travesty of fashion and human decency, whereby women with flabby midsection overhangs wear tight pants and midriff-bearing shirts. I didn’t need the term, however, to know that it’s better than a cold shower for crushing most men’s sex drives. Hey, clueless women—just go away!

Mike Nifong. Now that he’s lost his job and been disbarred for his scandalous actions during the Duke lacrosse case, this former Durham County District Attorney is going to be tied up in criminal and civil lawsuits until roughly 2019. Great, not only will we keep hearing about this man and his disgusting actions, but the families of these falsely accused students will remain unable to move past the case for far too long. Nifong should call up Kim Jong Il and volunteer his services because his style of “justice” only belongs in a despotic dystopia like North Korea. Hey, ex-lawyer—just go away!

The Democratic and Republican candidate “debates.” I’ve only watched segments, and even those brief glimpses stupefied me. There are no major differences between the Democrats—who all want to keep our bloated federal government rich and fat and who all treat the invasion of Iraq like a war crime, despite the fact that traditional liberals should have applauded the removal of Saddam Hussein (who killed more Muslims than any other person in the 20th century). And the other side is almost as unified in idiocy. When three of the Republican candidates volunteer that they don’t “believe” in evolution, it’s time to write the party off and start over. Hey, two-party system—just go away!

Paris Hilton. I have this feeling that her release form prison will become a media circus, and she will regain her status as the world’s most annoying “celebrity.” But I really, really don’t want to hear anything about this non-talent again. Hey, Publicity Whore 2007—just go away!