Tourist Wisdom

Every place has both smart and stupid people. Apparently, however, many of the dumb ones choose to visit the United Kingdom.

Half a million people make inquiries each year at the information centers of “Visit Britain,” the country’s national tourism agency. And according to this recent article on Yahoo! News, workers there often face absurdly ignorant questions.

Here are some of the actual queries … supplemented by my thoughts as to what the annoyed tourist officials must have been thinking.

“Where can I change my money for English euros?”

Try Baghdad—I hear it’s nice this time of year.

“What time does the midnight train leave?”

Come back at 12:15 sharp, sir.

“When is the changing of the guard at the White House?”

Every four or eight years. Well, except for that Watergate thing.

“Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?”

Is brain in you?

“What is the entry fee for Brighton?”

To get into that city, just pay me right here. Right now. That’ll be 100 pounds, sir.

“Do you have any information on Samantha Fox?”

No, I’m sorry—that’s at the “British Stalkers’ Assistance” office.

“Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?”

Stupid clowns. Like you.

“Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?”

1. Go north.
2. Look up.
3. Hike.
4. Stay there.

“Are there any curves in the roads here, or are they all straight?”

Straight, mostly straight.

Except for Soho, of course.