Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tourist Wisdom

Every place has both smart and stupid people. Apparently, however, many of the dumb ones choose to visit the United Kingdom.

Half a million people make inquiries each year at the information centers of “Visit Britain,” the country’s national tourism agency. And according to this recent article on Yahoo! News, workers there often face absurdly ignorant questions.

Here are some of the actual queries … supplemented by my thoughts as to what the annoyed tourist officials must have been thinking.

“Where can I change my money for English euros?”

Try Baghdad—I hear it’s nice this time of year.

“What time does the midnight train leave?”

Come back at 12:15 sharp, sir.

“When is the changing of the guard at the White House?”

Every four or eight years. Well, except for that Watergate thing.

“Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?”

Is brain in you?

“What is the entry fee for Brighton?”

To get into that city, just pay me right here. Right now. That’ll be 100 pounds, sir.

“Do you have any information on Samantha Fox?”

No, I’m sorry—that’s at the “British Stalkers’ Assistance” office.

“Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?”

Stupid clowns. Like you.

“Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?”

1. Go north.
2. Look up.
3. Hike.
4. Stay there.

“Are there any curves in the roads here, or are they all straight?”

Straight, mostly straight.

Except for Soho, of course.


At January 27, 2007 4:25 PM, Blogger kim replied to my musings ...

Ok, the Samantha Fox thing just about killed me. Seriously?? She was hot for a millisecond in the 80s people!

Oh David! I've relocated for a bit:

At January 28, 2007 2:28 AM, Blogger Ray Van Horn, Jr. replied to my musings ...

now THAT was witty as hell, my friend!

At January 28, 2007 11:25 AM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

Stupid is as stupid does...

At January 28, 2007 11:47 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

We used to keep track of stupid questions we'd get on the phone when I worked at Cedar Point too. Unfortunately it's been so long that I don't remember too many of them any more.

At January 29, 2007 12:13 AM, Blogger Phats replied to my musings ...

These were for real asked?! Embarrassing, but funny nonetheless.

Duke got away with one vs Clemson, 4.4 secs very interesting! never should have been in that position in the first place

At January 29, 2007 9:41 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

This just cements my belief that most people are stupid. ;-)

At January 29, 2007 2:38 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

Thanks! Now I know where to get that much needed Samantha Fox info.

At January 29, 2007 2:43 PM, Blogger Paige Burns replied to my musings ...

LOL. I'm sure your answers are better than the Britts!

At January 29, 2007 4:15 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Naughty girls need love too.

At January 29, 2007 9:22 PM, Blogger Lee Ann replied to my musings ...

Those are great!
Have a great week David!

At January 30, 2007 7:58 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

BARBARA: I saw a comment from you, but it went away when I fixed the Blogger glitch on this post. Please try again!

Kim, Fuzz, Phoenix: I honestly had forgotten about Samantha Fox until I saw this news story. You've gotta wonder what twenty years have done to her.

Ray: Thanks--good to see you here again.

Bruce, Curare: Stupid is about right. (I wonder how well Forest Gump did in Great Britain...)

Perplexio: Too bad you don't still have that list!

Phats: The story says they were real. I didn't include others, like "In what city is your Tokyo office?" Crazy, huh?

Paige: I'm sure the officials answers were much more polite.

Lee Ann: Thank you. I hope this started your week off well.

-- david

At January 30, 2007 12:26 PM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

There's plenty of stoopids here in the USA too. There really are people who ask who's buried in Grant's tomb.

At January 30, 2007 3:24 PM, Blogger Lloyd Irving Bradbury replied to my musings ...


At January 30, 2007 4:20 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Duh. Sounds a lot like stuff I would ask.

Here at work, what throws me is when Brits come in and ask me "Excuse me, but could you tell me where the toilet is?"

I automatically want to reply "In the restroom." ;)

At January 30, 2007 5:40 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

The flip side is when the people behind the counter are stupid. I went to buy a subway token in NYC years ago when they cost 75 cents. I gave the lady a dollar. She asked me how many? She probably retired and went to Great Britain recently...

Much like tourists in the village of Woodstock, NY asking where the concert was played in town. Errr, about 60 miles that way, patchouli girl...

At January 31, 2007 10:49 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

David the one stupid guest experience I remember to this day. I was fielding calls for the Group Sales department and somehow ended up with this guy who swore up and down that one of Cedar Point's rollercoasters had been sold to a park in Texas and that it was being taken down. Despite my assurances that this wasn't true he didn't seem to believe me. I think he FINALLY realized he'd been duped by some stupid Internet rumor or myth when I mentioned I'd driven by the very coaster that was to be taken down and shipped to Texas that morning on the way into work.

I decided at that point that if I ever got another call like that I'd just tell the person they were absolutely right but that Cedar Point still has the coaster because we forgot to put postage on the boxes we were shipping the coaster in or that we'd shipped it and had it returned when the employees at the park in Texas had trouble understanding the instructions which had been translated from English to Japanese and back to English.

At February 01, 2007 10:54 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

How many tacos come in a 12 pack?

Really..... someone asked a friend who worked at Taco Bell that.

At February 02, 2007 10:23 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Cube: Everyone knows Jimmy Hoffa is buried there. Duh.


Stacy: Please--if the Brits ask you, PLEASE tell them where the toothpaste is!

Mike: This is ridiculous. She should have just given you your two tickets and let you go.

Perplexio: That's bad, really bad. I agree-it would have been fun to mess with him a bit: "Yes, but it came back because it missed home."

Mimi: I'm guessing 13 tacos, a Mexican baker's dozen.

-- david

At February 02, 2007 8:29 PM, Blogger Dawner replied to my musings ...

Came across your blog while out reading the sites. Keep up the good work I will be back.

At February 05, 2007 6:15 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Dawner: Nice of you to come by. I usually have a new post up each Sunday. Usually. I'll look forward to seeing you back here again.

-- david


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