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Friday, January 19, 2007

Q & A with D.A.

As you can imagine, a man of David Amulet’s stature and worldliness is often asked for advice.

My sparkling wisdom, it seems, just naturally attracts the curious and needy, people who seek answers to their most confounding personal and professional dilemmas. Thankfully, I have all the answers.

And this week, I’ll share some of them with you—specifically, those from the world of etiquette:

If I hold a door for a lady, am I implying that she cannot open it for herself?

No.

But you may be implying that if she gets the door herself, her ass is so big that she won’t be able to get it through before the door swings shut.


My coworker has bad breath. What’s a subtle way to let him know?

Next time you see him, apologize for having eaten lunch without then brushing your teeth or using a breath mint. He should get the hint, especially if you mention how bad you feel about having bad breath while working so close to someone.

If that doesn’t work, there’s always duct tape.


Sometimes public urinals flush automatically, eliminating the need to touch anything. If I can figure out a way to get my schlong out of my pants and back in without touching it directly, do I still need to wash my hands?

A three-part response:

(1) No, because you would only get your hands dirtier than before by touching the sink and towel dispenser;

(2) Yes, because your probably haven’t washed your hands recently anyway;

(3) Get out much?


Is it proper to kiss on the first date?

That depends on what you’re kissing.

On second thought, no it doesn’t—the answer is YES.


At a formal table setting, which utensils do I use when?

Fork off.

My girlfriend always asks me if her jeans make her look fat, or if she’s put on a few pounds, or if I think she’s getting chunky. She actually does seem a bit fatter … but I know better than to tell her directly. What should I do?

Keep your mouth shut.

And hold the door open for her more often.

24 Comments:

At January 19, 2007 6:00 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

Sooo...DO these jeans make my ass look fat?

Hey, I hold doors open for ALL sorts of people, I think it's just the curteous thing to do, don't you?

 
At January 19, 2007 6:47 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

No the jeans don't make her ass look fat; her ass makes her ass look fat.

 
At January 19, 2007 7:42 PM, Anonymous BarBarA replied to my musings ...

Any guy that does not REALLY know what a woman is asking when she says "do I look fat" is pretty dense. Come on! Isn't it obvious. That really means "Tell me how great I look and that you love me just how I am". Duh!!

 
At January 19, 2007 8:41 PM, Blogger Spinning Girl replied to my musings ...

WIDE open.

 
At January 20, 2007 1:19 AM, Blogger Paige Burns replied to my musings ...

It's almost like Dear Abby...almost.

 
At January 20, 2007 9:40 AM, Blogger fatty ~ replied to my musings ...

the guy who asked probably needed to wash his hands anyway.

i hold the door open for people and walk through if others hold it open for me.

 
At January 20, 2007 11:42 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Tai: Courtesy seems to have gone out of style. Let's bring it back.

Bruce: A classic line, one not used enough.

Barbara: And sometimes, as a result, it means, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!"

S-Girl: WELCOME to the site.

Paige: That's OK. I'm almost serious about people seeking my advice...almost.

Fatty: Agreed and agreed. You're my kind of girl.

-- david

 
At January 20, 2007 8:50 PM, Blogger Lee Ann replied to my musings ...

good answers! ;)

 
At January 20, 2007 9:30 PM, Blogger On My Watch replied to my musings ...

a great writer AND advisor...throw in a tarot card reading and you'll be all set. :)

 
At January 20, 2007 11:16 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

The "do I look fat?" question is an EASY one to answer... It's when she starts asking "do you notice anything different about me?" that you really have to watch out. Answering that question is like walking through a minefield:

Her: Notice anything different about me?

Response 1: I love what you've done with your hair?

Her response to 1: I haven't done anything with my hair. Did you think there was something wrong with it before? Do you see gray?

Response 2: You look great! I really love what you've done.

Her response to 2: You don't really notice do you. You don't notice anything different at all. You don't pay enough attention to me.

Response 3: You look fantastic in that new outfit.

Her response to 3: You REALLY don't pay any attention to me. It's a sweat suit... If you think I look good in it you must think I look REALLY FAT!

 
At January 21, 2007 7:32 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

If her ass is fat, just be glad she doesn't have bad breath.

 
At January 22, 2007 2:32 AM, Blogger ChickyBabe replied to my musings ...

First question makes me sad. I just smile, act all girly and say thanks. And my ass is fine, thank you! :)

 
At January 22, 2007 6:29 AM, Blogger etain_lavena replied to my musings ...

whahahahahaha.....luckly no one holds the door for me, gosh I might have bad breath*breathe in own hand, smell*....nope I think I am fine....;-)

 
At January 22, 2007 9:08 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

So that's why they're always holding doors open for me...so my ass doesn't get stuck!

And all this time I thought it was because they were being gentlemen!

Bah!

 
At January 23, 2007 8:14 AM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

I always pull my schlong over my underpants, rather then use that hole in the front. That way I can pull said schlong back into place by pulling up the front of my underpants. But hey ~ I like touching it.

 
At January 23, 2007 11:03 AM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

Well, holding the door is the courteous thing to do, but when I was single and a cute girl was approaching the door, I'd hold it open to be able to check her out. Now that I'm married, I hold the door for everyone. The whole how do I look, etc question? Perplexio is correct. Minefield. And I've literally been in them, and that's where I'd rather be when those questions come around. Fortunately I have a hot wife, so I can be honest. Forks, what are those?

Lastly, as for the bad breath and duct tape, I always say if silence is golden, why is duct tape silver? Damn, it's good to be back. Happy belated New Year, and go Colts!!!

 
At January 23, 2007 1:25 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

As far as formal table settings go. I am all for sporks, the all purpose utensil.

 
At January 23, 2007 3:55 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Lee Ann: Thanks, I think.

OMW: I also will speak with your ancestors for a fee.

Perplexio: Sounds like a painful conversation. I hope it was fictional.

Phoenix: Good point. And if both are ture, hopefully she has table manners.

CB: If these were real questions, then I'd be sad, too.

-- david

 
At January 23, 2007 3:58 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Etain: Welcome to the jungle. And I'm sure someone has held a door for you sometime ...

PQ: For you, it meant they were gentlemen.

GW: I didn't anticipate your comment, but I should have.

Mike: Welcome back--and great line about silence and gold/silver!

Fuzz: Nothing beats the spork. Nothing.

-- david

 
At January 24, 2007 8:12 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt replied to my musings ...

If I hold a door for a lady, am I implying that she cannot open it for herself?

No, it implies you want to see her arse. Maybe to see if it looks fat in those jeans.

Sometimes public urinals flush automatically, eliminating the need to touch anything. If I can figure out a way to get my schlong out of my pants and back in without touching it directly, do I still need to wash my hands?

Yes, and please get the person who loaded and unloaded your schlong to wash his hands too. And what makes you think the door handle is clean, you moron?

My girlfriend always asks me if her jeans make her look fat, or if she’s put on a few pounds, or if I think she’s getting chunky. She actually does seem a bit fatter … but I know better than to tell her directly. What should I do?

Lie or die. Simple choice.

 
At January 25, 2007 12:18 AM, Blogger Phats replied to my musings ...

Haha funny post david!

I know someone who gave a coworker scope with a note that said Please help all of us and use it.

Duke women gonna finally win it all this year, or is Gail going to choke as usual?

 
At January 25, 2007 7:04 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

Maybe I'm one of the only women in the world that REALLY wants to know if a particular pair of pants makes me look fat. :-) If they do -- then hell -- at least my hubby is the only one that saw me in them! :-)

 
At January 26, 2007 2:37 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

When I ask my husband the fat ? I really wanna know. I get mad because he won't give me a honest answer. He always says no out of fear.

 
At January 28, 2007 11:43 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

David, yes it was fictional, but I did once have a real conversation where a lass was rather angry with me and when she stopped after asking me a rhetorical question I replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

That was met with a less than happy response.

 

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