Q & A with D.A.

As you can imagine, a man of David Amulet’s stature and worldliness is often asked for advice.

My sparkling wisdom, it seems, just naturally attracts the curious and needy, people who seek answers to their most confounding personal and professional dilemmas. Thankfully, I have all the answers.

And this week, I’ll share some of them with you—specifically, those from the world of etiquette:

If I hold a door for a lady, am I implying that she cannot open it for herself?

No.

But you may be implying that if she gets the door herself, her ass is so big that she won’t be able to get it through before the door swings shut.

My coworker has bad breath. What’s a subtle way to let him know?

Next time you see him, apologize for having eaten lunch without then brushing your teeth or using a breath mint. He should get the hint, especially if you mention how bad you feel about having bad breath while working so close to someone.

If that doesn’t work, there’s always duct tape.

Sometimes public urinals flush automatically, eliminating the need to touch anything. If I can figure out a way to get my schlong out of my pants and back in without touching it directly, do I still need to wash my hands?

A three-part response:

(1) No, because you would only get your hands dirtier than before by touching the sink and towel dispenser;

(2) Yes, because your probably haven’t washed your hands recently anyway;

(3) Get out much?

Is it proper to kiss on the first date?

That depends on what you’re kissing.

On second thought, no it doesn’t—the answer is YES.

At a formal table setting, which utensils do I use when?

Fork off.

My girlfriend always asks me if her jeans make her look fat, or if she’s put on a few pounds, or if I think she’s getting chunky. She actually does seem a bit fatter … but I know better than to tell her directly. What should I do?

Keep your mouth shut.

And hold the door open for her more often.