Fantasy Island

Global warming advocates tell us that the world's land is slowly disappearing.

And their logic is sound. Rising temperatures will melt polar ice, which over time will push the world’s oceans higher, covering low-lying islands and coastal areas. Makes sense.

But the earth is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore.

This fall, the South Pacific lost some of its surface area when Mother Earth pushed and pushed … and gave birth to a new island near Tonga. It popped up through the surface because of undersea volcanic activity. Once the occurrence is confirmed, the size of the Pacific Ocean—not to mention the land area of the nation of Tonga—will require recalculation.

But the real difficulty probably will arise when the time comes to name the island. So many options …

Let’s start with a traditional choice: Taufa’ahau. It would be a good name, given that Tonga’s King Taufa’ahau Tupou IV just passed away in September after ruling for 41 years (which is forever in country-rulership terms, almost as long as The Rolling Stones have been together). I'll admit, however, that it's a bit hard for non-Tongans to pronounce.

That leaves an opening for a geographical name. Like Little Tonga. After all, at less than a mile in diameter, the new islet isn’t going to be a giant anytime soon. But Tonga’s pretty tiny already, so this name would be humiliating for the islet and lead to years of therapy later on.

So maybe pop culture is the way to go. With its emergence from nowhere, the island might be best named after American Idol’s Taylor Hicks. Hicks’ fate since his victory, on the other hand, means that this island would be destined to drop right back in the ocean.

I'm stumped.

Well, this concern about naming the volcanic islet could be misplaced anyway. More than likely, global warming will just wipe it out again unless it finds some way to rise higher—and quickly.

In other words, although it’s getting much attention for its sudden arrival, the island shouldn’t get too cocky. It has a moment in the sun, sure, but a lack of growth and productivity may seal its doom. In a couple of years, the islet may fade into history without much ado.

So let’s just call it Democratic control of Congress.