Monday, September 04, 2006

Space Invaders

Some of my favorite bloggers have referred to end-of-the-world scenarios recently.

Maybe they’re trying to tell us something. Or perhaps it’s just the pop-culture ripple effect from what apparently was a fascinating 20/20 special report last week on doomsday scenarios.

Either way, this—and catching a few seconds of K-Fed’s debut video—started me thinking about how all of us could die.

When younger, before I learned to appreciate the logic of deterrence, I grew up fearing that nuclear war would end the human race.

It was the 80s. Everyone thought the Soviet Union might—just might—go toe-to-toe with the West on a nuclear battlefield rather than admit its own failure to keep up. Or spur the demise of Western civilization by inspiring increasingly dull James Bond movies.

The Soviet threat ended, of course, but the years since have brought us new potential apocalyptic dangers. Nasty contagious diseases, supervolcanoes, or terrorists with chemical weapons seem more treacherous these days.

So do white rappers looking eerily like Vanilla Ice.

But all these are child’s play compared to threats from outer space. Watching too many Discovery Channel documentaries lately has reduced me to a shadow of my former self.

I’m screaming in my sleep. Shaking in my boots. Peeing in my pants. (Yes, long-time readers—the black leather ones. A tragedy, I know.)

Life on our planet, they tell us, will suffer a heinous end from one of any number of astronomical perils that we’re powerless to prevent.

Take black holes. If one of these monsters comes anywhere near our part of the galaxy, its gravitational powers will wreak havoc on our solar system and maybe even pull us past the point of no return.

Let’s hope K-Fed gets tugged away first.

Asteroids could also put a quick stop to this human party just as a huge asteroid some 65 millions years ago killed off the dinosaurs. And Hollywood’s hopes notwithstanding, planting a nuclear device or two on the bugger probably wouldn’t save our hides.

I hope one knocks out the satellite relaying Mr. Federline’s performances to my TV.

And watch out for gamma ray bursts. Astronomers say that when a few rare massive stars collapse and die, they emit two opposite-ended jets of the most intense bursts of energy in the known universe.

That’s bad.

Especially if one ever pops its caps within a few hundred light years of Earth. We’d probably lose most of our ozone layer instantly and perish from the undiluted rays of the sun.

Our only hope is that an asteroid racing toward us will get drawn into an approaching black hole—which in turn will be destroyed by a surge of gamma rays. As for living through that deadly burst, well … maybe some brave soul will step up, flying into space and acting as a gamma-ray human shield, to sacrifice himself for the sake of humanity.

Thanks for volunteering, K-Fed.


At September 04, 2006 10:59 AM, Blogger Minka replied to my musings ...

K-fed and maybe Jessica Simpson...
those are sensile sacrifices:)
You ahve to be smart about these things!

At September 04, 2006 1:11 PM, Blogger kim replied to my musings ...

We could launch Tom Cruise too. I mean, he's into meeting aliens and stuff, right? Also, could we launch a bunch of Republicans? It's our new Star Wars defense program!

The possibilites are endless, really.

At September 04, 2006 2:34 PM, Blogger Jim replied to my musings ...

The late author Alexander King predicted that the end of the world would be by paper -- all the insurance forms, purchase vouchers, and junk mail would eventually pile up and suffocate us all,

fauyer<-- oddly enough, someone I used to date, or once sued, or maybe both

At September 04, 2006 6:48 PM, Blogger Paige Burns replied to my musings ...

I saw part of the Black Hole show. It was freaky. I've always had a fear since I was in 3rd grade and read the Book of Revelations that the world would end before I died of old age, having lived a full life. Had nightmares about it for a long time, and sometimes I still wake up with that "I can't breathe" feeling from a dream like that.

It's one reason I quit watching the news and reading the newspaper, less nightmares.

At September 04, 2006 7:49 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt replied to my musings ...

And if you look up to spot the incoming asteroid/blackhole/gamma rays then you'll probably get hit by a bus. I'm safe round here as there is no public transport.

I wake up screaming when I think about the nutters there are running the country (and other countries) - at least the crud from space isn't going to destroy everything in pursuit of some ideology or other!

I'm just glad I don't have your cleaning bill. Getting urine stains out of leather must be a real bitch.

At September 04, 2006 8:55 PM, Blogger MIA replied to my musings ...

Chicken little warned us a long time ago. Can't say we didn't know the sky was going to fall. It's all our fault. And don't think Y2K isn't on its way. Just a little slow it will now be called Y aren't you stocked up and living in your underground cellar.

EEWWWW pee pee on leather pants. I hate it when that happens. Just Fabreeze them. then again it will cause more damage to the ozone and will cause us to die. In the name of fashion, go for it

At September 04, 2006 9:28 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

My hope is that KFed is the human sacrifice we must make to save the world from whatever doomsday scenario happens. I wonder how long the line would be to push him into the volcano, blackhole, or whatever?

At September 05, 2006 12:48 AM, Blogger Manic Mom replied to my musings ...

Isn't K-Fed's fifteen minutes like, way up?

THanks for stopping my Manic's. Been a while. Hope you've been good!

At September 05, 2006 3:12 AM, Blogger CT replied to my musings ...

k-fed should be the spokesman for global warming... lol

At September 05, 2006 6:06 AM, Blogger Michelle replied to my musings ...

I'd like to add Justin Timberlake and Pamela Anderson. Ok forget Pamela, i think i will hang on to her if that black hole wreaks havoc with its gravatational pull.....hehehehe my moneys on Pamela ;o)

At September 05, 2006 6:26 AM, Blogger charlie replied to my musings ...

Well, we came very closew to it in the 60s when JFK called Kruschev's bluff over Cuba. We'll be getting very close to it in not too long over Israel/Iran, I reckon. Humans are far more dangerous than asteroids and the like.

At September 05, 2006 7:13 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Minka, Kim: I think Jessica and Tom might be helpful there, too. We could create wuite a list, I'm sure.

Jim: Sometimes I feel that I could bury myself alive in paper. Perhaps he was right.

Paige: Isn't it nice when we can be made fearful of life itself as children, scarring us forever? Lovely.

Grunt: Good point. The biggest threats are really getting hit by cars, slipping in the shower, and pissing off the wrong woman.

Mia: I'll do anything to save the pants. Damn the ozone layer.

Mimi, CT: Even if these threats don't pan out, can we push K-Fed into a volcano anyway?

Manic Mom: Nice to see you here again. Funny--your first post back mentions my black leather pants, and when you were last here I was probably still using the avatar with that picture!

Michelle: I actually haven't heard much from Pamela lately. Didn't she get married to Kid Rock at some point this summer?

Charlie: True. For my betting dollar, it's less likely that humanity will kill itself through some international conflict than by a solo madman or small group unleashing a nasty virus/chemical nastiness. But if missiles do fly, maybe a black hole will come by just close enough to suck up the missiles and save us all.

-- david

At September 05, 2006 7:37 AM, Blogger Ben replied to my musings ...

I think K-Fed's adding to the global warming problem David. His hot air spouting has helped to increase land temperatures on the west coast. He's reduced sustainable rainforests for the covers to his CD releases.

Do I have enough evidence to launch him at high velocity into the cosmos and hopefully his trajectory will dislodge the asteroid that is likely to hit earth in the 22nd century ?

Please say yes.

At September 05, 2006 7:56 AM, Blogger Mr. Friendly replied to my musings ...

Damm David,
I know summer is over but there is no need to go all apocalyptic...


At September 05, 2006 9:19 AM, Anonymous fred charles replied to my musings ...

Well, one thing I can say for humanity. Paris Hilton's new record only sold 66,000 CD, which is a relief and will probably certify it as a bomb. Maybe the human race is waking up after all.

At September 05, 2006 10:35 AM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

I hope K-Fed doesn't get struck by gamma rays. I would hate to have to listen to a K-Fed Hulk.

At September 05, 2006 10:39 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

K-Fed, the savior of all humanity? That makes me nervous.

At September 05, 2006 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

I dunno. If there's an end of the world I'm hanging around the K-Feds, the Cruises, the Parises (Pares? Pari? Whatever) because like cockroaches...they'll probably survive. Then, like, I'll be the sane smart one. Oooh. Scary.

At September 05, 2006 2:17 PM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

seems to me the next picture of you will be in leather chaps. whoo-hoo. :)

At September 05, 2006 3:19 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Oooo...I vote for K-Fed to go too! :)

At September 05, 2006 7:08 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Ben: "Yes." (Ask and ye shall receive.)

Mr. Friendly: I love the fall, so it's not that ... I think it's just the stress from being exposed to way too much pop music lately.

Fred C.: I wasn't aware it was selling THAT bad. I am pleased.

Fuzz: Good point. Then maybe he'd do something crazy, like force Britney Spears to marry him and bankroll his career.

Phoenix: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Jenna: I think Paris and the others of her name that survive will be known as what they truly are right now: parasites.

OMW: Leather chaps are unlikely. But Halloween approaches, so anything is possible!

Stacy: I knew you had good taste.

-- david

At September 05, 2006 7:10 PM, Anonymous BarBarA replied to my musings ...

I'll just say ditto to all the above. I have to run off and post about a great concert I saw in the '80's - a NO NUKES rally. Thanks for reminding me!!

At September 05, 2006 8:10 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

Though it is not mentioned in the Bible, I would put K-Fed actually having a "hit" up there with the building of the Third Temple or somebody cutting off the Euphrates river and armies invading Israel from the North.

I probably shouldn't say that--enough payola can almost make ANYTHING a hit.

Plus, weren't Milli Vanilli untalented except as dancers? (And not very successful as baby batter providers, but that is another issue...) Milli Vanilli sold 36 million records...

The end is near...

At September 05, 2006 9:23 PM, Blogger Alex replied to my musings ...

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you hated Keven Federine....

At September 05, 2006 10:27 PM, Blogger Sex, Lies and Myspace replied to my musings ...

Summer is over!

At September 06, 2006 5:06 AM, Blogger Laurie replied to my musings ...

When it's time to go, it's time to go... not pee in your pants, I mean when it's our time to go then it's time... gah! You know what I mean.. LOL

At September 06, 2006 9:08 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

DA: Turn off MTV and put the remote down. It is frying your brain.

At September 06, 2006 9:20 AM, Blogger DaBich replied to my musings ...

If something does hit us, I'm sure we won't even know what hit us, so save your leather pants ;X

At September 06, 2006 2:11 PM, Blogger Gyrobo replied to my musings ...

What if the giant asteroids amassed nuclear weapons?

They would be nigh unstoppable, I daresay.

At September 06, 2006 3:36 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

You mentioned K-Fed, one too many times in this post.

At September 06, 2006 3:51 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Barbara: Wow, it' been a while since I've heard about no-nukes rallies!

ZW: I'm convinced talent has little correlation to success in the pop music industry.

Alex: I don't care enough to hate K-FEd, I just think he's a great target for all that's wrong with popular music.

Sex, Lies: Summer's making a comeback here--I'm not giving up!

Laurie: I think I know what you're saying. Maybe. Kind of.

Curare Z: I have shifted almost exclusively to the following background noises: the new Iron Maiden album, the Science Channel specials on space exploration, and shuffle play of my iTunes library. But my experiment in listening to pop music again has a lasting impact ... maybe I'll write about it again next week after I have some perspective.

DaBich: That would be the best way to go--not even knowing why.

Gyrobo: Now you've done it. Let's run to the caves and wait it out.

Angel: I propose that I mentioned K-Fed one too many times as soon as I mentioned him once.

-- david

At September 06, 2006 4:42 PM, Blogger Janet replied to my musings ...

I am here to tell you that today's youth typically doesn't worry about such things. I brought up Pluto's being demoted at school today and you would have thought I was talking to aliens themselves.

So if we do manage to make it to the next generation I just wanted you to know-- I've seen the future and it's terrifying.

At September 06, 2006 6:10 PM, Blogger mrsmogul replied to my musings ...

Kfed is actually my MYSPACE Friend. I once met Vanilla ICe, he thought he was a rapper.

At September 07, 2006 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

all your speculation is unnecessry, the answers are all here

"Just because i'm paranoid, doesnt mean they're not out to get me!"

At September 07, 2006 12:07 PM, Blogger erika replied to my musings ...

Just want to let you know everytime you mentioned K-Fed's name I think I threw up a little.

At September 07, 2006 1:54 PM, Blogger missy replied to my musings ...

The world is ending??????!!!! OMG! OMG! OMG!

So glad I hardly watch telly so I haven't seen the video :-/

At September 07, 2006 8:43 PM, Blogger goldennib replied to my musings ...

Our only hope is to catch a ride on the next Hail-Bop. (Those Discovery shows are freakin' scary.)

At September 07, 2006 9:19 PM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

You left off the giant caldera at Yellowstone National Park that could end civilization as we know it if it were to erupt.BTW its eruption is 35,000 year behind schedule. Yikes!

I prefer to listen to my dad. He used to say, "The world ends when you die." So far that has held up for me.

At September 07, 2006 9:30 PM, Blogger Lee Ann replied to my musings ...

K-Fed....I just don't even feel like wasting my breath or thoughts on him...ughhh!

At September 07, 2006 10:41 PM, Blogger MIA replied to my musings ...

where have you been?????

At September 07, 2006 11:03 PM, Blogger Fated replied to my musings ...

You missed the scariest thing of all! Killer dinosaurs!! People think they are extinct but in all actuality they are just hibernating. For real, TV told me so (actually it was a story, but TV sounds much more suiting). They are just waiting for the Earth to reach an adequate amount of people. Then, when we think we are safe (and only then), they regenerate! They slather us in ketchup and mustard and wouldn't you know it, they eat us all. EAT US ALL.

At September 08, 2006 7:56 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Janet: I'm glad to hear that, because it's piss poor science to make planetary decisions based on what kids think.

Mrs. Mogul, Erika, Lee Ann: Ok, you've convinced me. The mentions of K-Fed end here!

Fatty, Missy: R.E.M. is now playing in my brain: "It's the end of the world as we know it/And I feel fine."

GoldenNib: I somehow had completely forgotten about that whole comet debacle. Good memory!

Cube: Somehow, I'd feel better dying as a species due to something from outer space than something on the Earth. Odd, I know.

Mia: I'm back! I just put up a new post--instead of Thursday/Monday, I'll be posting Friday/Tuesday through next week. Thanks for asking!

Fated: I just read a science fiction short story in which the planets are really just eggs for baby dragons that have yet to hatch. It was better than it sounds.

-- david


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