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Friday, August 04, 2006

… And (Delayed) Justice for All

The law often takes too long to redress society’s ills.

Sometimes prosecutors lack the evidence to bring evil-doers to account for their crimes, resulting in a “cold case.” Or the trial just goes on and on; the O.J. Simpson circus, you’ll recall, dominated our lives for nine months.

Then, on occasion, backlogged courts delay justice.

Bosnia is taking this problem to a whole new level. You’re probably thinking that Bosnians face a few hundred unresolved cases, maybe even a thousand.

Try 1.3 million.

Last week, the country’s court regulators revealed this staggering figure and warned the government to rectify the situation. But with more than a million backlogged cases, this could take a while.

As we wait for the Bosnians to catch up, we should work on these long-overdue cases closer to home:

Amerigo Vespucci. German cartographer Martin Waldseemüller invented “America” on his 1507 map of the world to honor Italian merchant Amerigo Vespucci, supposedly the first European to claim that Columbus and his followers had discovered a new continent. We’d be much happier with the Western Hemisphere’s name if Vespucci would have waited for Randy “Big Unit” Johnson to identify it.

Yoko Ono. Never held to account for her role in breaking up the Beatles, John Lennon’s widow has avoided the world’s punishment for too long. An apt penalty would be 10 years of solitary confinement while being forced to listen to her own cacophonous recordings.

Harrison Ford. The man whom a generation knows as Han Solo and Indiana Jones must face the music for delaying another Raiders of the Lost Ark installment for years while he made films like Hollywood Homicide with Josh Hartnett. Of course, chances of a conviction are slight, given that a jury of his peers would include other recently underperforming actors like Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, and Robert DeNiro.

Jethro Tull. Ian Anderson’s group isn’t bad; the classic album Aqualung influenced countless bands in the 1970s. But the crime of Tull’s flute-filled Crest of a Knave beating out Metallica’s … And Justice for All album for the Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance Grammy in 1989 demands … well, justice.

Nirvana. Let’s take Nirvana to court for ending the era of fun, good-times hair metal of the 1980s and giving us years of “I’m bored with my life” grunge. Half of the cases of depression in the United States since 1991 can be traced to the I-hate-myself-and-I’m-gonna-whine-about-it music that Nirvana spawned.

Cloning experimenters. There is absolutely no excuse for scientists to waste time clone sheep, cattle, and horses when they could focus their resources on replicating Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba.

I demand justice—lots and lots of it.

41 Comments:

At August 04, 2006 7:56 AM, Blogger Michelle replied to my musings ...

I must think "Bosnia" everytime i walk into the courtroom, and when a client asks me why we're taking so long to get to trial, i will utter...."Bosnia"!

Just thinking about the men i could clone............

 
At August 04, 2006 8:05 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

I'm with Michelle...and I'm putting in my request for a clone of Viggo Mortensen and Antonio Banderas, please. ;)

 
At August 04, 2006 8:32 AM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

I'm right there with you on Yoko and Tull beating out Metallica. I'm a huge Tull fan, but c'mon...

 
At August 04, 2006 8:34 AM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

I found the Jethro Tull thing to be funny when it happened. I was mad at Metallica because I though And justice for all was a letdown from Master of puppets. I am with you on the Nirvana thing though.

 
At August 04, 2006 8:47 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

Michelle: LOL. Whenever they give you a hard time, you could respond: "Hey, you could be in Bosnia!"

Think of all the cool things we could do with human cloning. We could clone Tom Cruise and then NOT expose the clone to Scientology and see what happens. Maybe we're all wrong...maybe it's not Scientology that screwed him up....maybe it's genetic.

 
At August 04, 2006 9:08 AM, Anonymous fred charles replied to my musings ...

This was a great post.

Yoko needs to pay! How long are we going let go free?

 
At August 04, 2006 9:45 AM, Blogger Fated replied to my musings ...

Ugh Yoko Ono. She should be punished solely for the fact that we can hear her in the background of Happy Xmas (War Is Over).

I'm sure there are plenty of baaaaad people out there who are all about the sheep cloning. I mean, what are they really supposed to do when old Dolly passes on. ;)

 
At August 04, 2006 9:47 AM, Blogger Ben replied to my musings ...

And no mention of France !!!!!

Now the Nirvana issue is interested. Are you going to bring back Kurt from the dead as a punishment ? I guess in his eyes to be back in our world would be as severe punishment you could give him.What's more you could cast him back with Courtney.

 
At August 04, 2006 9:54 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Michelle: Glad I coudl give you some ammo.

Michelle, Stacy: The only man I want to clone is myself--I'd get much more writing done that way.

Bruce, Metal Mark: I even had the Crest of a Knave album. But it's no ... And Justice for All, which I find just as good as Master of Puppets because of its differences.

Curare: Good idea. Call up his publicist!

Fred: Thank you. Yoko is an easy target, I'll admit, but I'm not above taking a shot.

Fated: Great pun, that was very clever of ewe!

Ben: Thanks for noticing. I had one idea but decided to spare the French ... for once. As for putting Kurt back with Courtney, you are a cruel, cruel man.

-- david

 
At August 04, 2006 9:58 AM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

like others mentioned, I enjoy Tull also, but an Metal album they never made. As far as Yoko Ono, are we totally sure that Mark David Chapman wasn't shooting at her and missed?

 
At August 04, 2006 10:10 AM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

I agree about the Nirvana thing! Especially fashion-wise. Girls went from high heels and cosmopolitan hair to combat boots and flannel. I think that was the day I didn't follow the trends anymore. They have a lot to answer for. :)

 
At August 04, 2006 10:14 AM, Blogger Jenna Howard replied to my musings ...

-stares at monitor-

*begins to jot down a list of men she wants cloned* My own private Jenna Harem. Fantabulous!

And I'm thinking one David is enough for this world.

 
At August 04, 2006 10:26 AM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

Very funny David, here are my verdicts;
• Amerigo Vespucci ~ Guilty! Why let the dead rest.
• Yoko Ono ~ Not Guilty! Paul was a dick. That is what broke The Beatles up. There is a level of intoxication which is precariously close to an overdose where Yoko's music almost sounds good. (PS: don't try that everyone)
• Harrison Ford ~ Guilty! That "Indiana Jones" whip should be used on him.
• Ian Anderson ~ Guilty! The flute is not a rock instrument.
• Nirvana ~ Guilty! They spawned a whole generation of what I call "whinny white-boy music". Give me a break! Rich, cute white-boys have NO reason to be depressed.
• Cloning experimenters ~ Guilty! I'll give you Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba, I'll take Jake Gyllenhaal!

 
At August 04, 2006 10:38 AM, Blogger Janet replied to my musings ...

These cases are definitely varying in size and shape. Take Harrison Ford for instance. All he is really guilty of is having a mid life crisis of the one earring variety.:)

 
At August 04, 2006 12:06 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

What about punishing Kevin Costner for his cinematographic travesties: Waterworld and The Postman?

And I think we need to bring up charges on M. Night Shymalan for giving us a series of crap movies after wowing us with The Sixth Sense. I'll forgive Unbreakable as I actually enjoyed that film, but the rest of his movies since then have been CRAP!

 
At August 04, 2006 12:51 PM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

You just talked shit about Nirvana. I think I love you.

 
At August 04, 2006 1:03 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Mike: Maybe he was trying to impress Yoko. Modern shooters are odd liek that; remember than Hinckley shot Reagan to impress Jodie Foster.

OMW, BV: I'm glad you agree. Although many people put Nirvana on a pedestal, I don't think the band will be remembered as much for its own music as for the shift the group exemplified.

Jenna: You're probably right. I'm doing too much damage to the fabric of space and time as it is.

GW: Thanks, and I'm glad we're on the same wavelength on these. Paul played a part, sure, but isn't it more fun to demonize Yoko? And you can have Jaek, he's not my type. Being a he.

Janet: Rumor is he's trying to get Calista Flockhart cast in the new Indy Jones flick. I don't know about that one--at least the camera will put ten pounds on her, doubling her weight.

Perplexio: Good additions, both. Maybe we can put them in a room together and make them watch each other's recent films.

BV: (See reaction to your Nirvana comment above.) And I love you, too. I'm feeling very affectionate toward the world today.

-- david

 
At August 04, 2006 1:38 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

I don't think anyone should be forced to listen to Yoko Ono's music. Now that is cruel and unusual punishment.

 
At August 04, 2006 2:11 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Yoko Ono's "music" should be played in Iraq. That'll drive the insurgents out.

I think the Dixie Chicks for murdering their own careers.

 
At August 04, 2006 2:29 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

Maybe Yoko should have to listen to Tull...

I was in Bosnia with the Army. Real justice is being served since they have to stay there.

Justice for Nirvana would be if all the band had followed Kurt's lead and ended their angst.

Cloning experimenters need to be going after more worthwhile projects. Jayne Mansfield, (and I'm going to pay for that one), and a few others come to mind, like getting Mozart...

 
At August 04, 2006 2:41 PM, Blogger Phats replied to my musings ...

Harrison ford is with Calista Flockheart too how the hell did that happen.

Justice for Nirvana would be having to live in a house the size of a box with Courtney Love for 1 year

 
At August 04, 2006 3:48 PM, Blogger missy replied to my musings ...

What about punishing Tom Cruise and his scientology crew!

 
At August 04, 2006 6:33 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

If people can sue for reperations from the days of slavery anything is possible.

 
At August 04, 2006 7:28 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

Yeah, what missy said!

 
At August 04, 2006 8:22 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Angel, Phoenix: Yoko's music is the punishment those Zarqawi types deserve. Of course, he's dead ... maybe that's what tortures him in hell.

Mike: Mozart could be an interesting one, although having him back would put Tom Hulce out of a job if they ever get around to filming Amadeus 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Phats: Dave Grohl has largely redeemed himself in my mind with his Foo Fighters work, which is a lor more lively and less mournful than Nirvana's songs.

Missy, Tai: We can give Tom his due by forcing him to do nothing but Cocktail sequels.

Fuzz: I'm waiting for lawsuits in US courts against the descendents of the folks who came across the Siberian landbridge 10,000+ years ago and first populated the Western Hemisphere. The only thing stopping them so far has been that nobody can figure out who woudl file the suit ... given that there were no people here to have their rights violated.

-- david

 
At August 05, 2006 12:00 AM, Blogger X. Dell replied to my musings ...

I love this piece. Mighty funny. But I don't understand how Britney gets away completely unindicted. She, Aguillera and the Simpsons make me long for the relative innocence of Satanic heavy metal.

 
At August 05, 2006 8:19 PM, Anonymous BarBarA (aka Layla) replied to my musings ...

Put me on the list to convict Yoko.

 
At August 05, 2006 9:51 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

You've heard of "commercial tie-ins" with movies?

Harrison Ford is holding out on the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Arc for a few more years, so that he can "raid the lost arc" in the Hoveround.

 
At August 06, 2006 5:55 AM, Blogger gautami tripathy replied to my musings ...

Can we have a clone for George Clooney?

 
At August 06, 2006 11:08 AM, Blogger Maggie replied to my musings ...

I'm on the Yoko jury. Sentence would be to have her do a "Newlyweds" reality show with Jessica Simpson.

Need to find out who's responsible for 'New Coke'

 
At August 06, 2006 4:43 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

X Dell: I'm glad you enjoy the site. I think the rest of Britney's life may be punishment enough for what she'd done so far.

Barbara: So noted. When the mob gathers, you'll be on the calling list.

ZW: I'm guessing the fourth film will be less thrilling than the first three if that happens.

GT: I suppose we can, but then wouldn't we run the risk of having way, WAY too many Ocean's Eleven sequels?

Maggie: Perhaps the New Coke people are the same folks who gave us Coke Zero and Vanilla Coke.

-- david

 
At August 07, 2006 12:17 AM, Blogger Cinderella replied to my musings ...

Yoko Ono makes baby clothes now...that's justice for you...(She uses the Lennon name)...Ughhh!

P.S. It's (Shannon) my new blog, just wanted to give you a heads up..

Enjoy your night!

 
At August 07, 2006 2:29 AM, Blogger ~ good girl ~ replied to my musings ...

1.3 million is a lot. Damn. I acn't imagine fully given justice will happen in my lifetime. It's hard to believe we call ourselves the modern, evolved society.

As for cloning, I have to agree with Jenna. There is a list of fine human specimens I have that might be worthier of science. It won't save the world but the world can't be saved anyway. Why not just make it look better?

GG

 
At August 07, 2006 6:24 AM, Blogger ChickyBabe replied to my musings ...

Totally agree. while they're researching cloning, they should also add Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom to theor research. I volunteer to try an identify the clone. This could take some time...

Yet, there may be one or three men I'd like cloned for myself, but that's between me and the research lab! ;).

 
At August 07, 2006 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

I like the Yoko Ono one the best. As for her music???

*screams*

That was her by the way ;-)

 
At August 07, 2006 7:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

Crap, that last anonymous was moi. This one too!

http://www.lisabindacity.com

 
At August 07, 2006 8:20 AM, Blogger gautami tripathy replied to my musings ...

Hmm, true.

BUT NO ONE, I REPEAT, NO ONE CALLS ME GT!

 
At August 08, 2006 5:13 PM, Blogger Kid Jacque replied to my musings ...

How about suing whatever network executives that took Farscape off the air.

Save Farscape!!!

 
At August 10, 2006 9:22 AM, Blogger BrianAlt replied to my musings ...

Ian Anderson was embarrassed by that award and it was obvious he saw the mistake and hypocracy of the Grammys in his 'acceptance' speech.

 
At August 10, 2006 1:50 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Cinderella/Shannon: Thanks for letting us know about the new blog. We'll all stop by.

GG, ChickyB: Alright, alright ... I'll let you all clone me ...

Lisa: Are you in the witness protection program now? If so, you just blew your cover.

GT: I use initials sometimes. it saves time. What's wrong with your intitials??

KJ: I'll say the same thing for Dead Like Me, which seems to have been a damn good show based on the SciFi channel reruns I'm seeing.

Brian: Nice to see you around again--I hope all is well. I never got the sense that Tull was totally excited about that "win."

-- david

 
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