… And (Delayed) Justice for All

The law often takes too long to redress society’s ills.

Sometimes prosecutors lack the evidence to bring evil-doers to account for their crimes, resulting in a “cold case.” Or the trial just goes on and on; the O.J. Simpson circus, you’ll recall, dominated our lives for nine months.

Then, on occasion, backlogged courts delay justice.

Bosnia is taking this problem to a whole new level. You’re probably thinking that Bosnians face a few hundred unresolved cases, maybe even a thousand.

Try 1.3 million.

Last week, the country’s court regulators revealed this staggering figure and warned the government to rectify the situation. But with more than a million backlogged cases, this could take a while.

As we wait for the Bosnians to catch up, we should work on these long-overdue cases closer to home:

Amerigo Vespucci. German cartographer Martin Waldseemüller invented “America” on his 1507 map of the world to honor Italian merchant Amerigo Vespucci, supposedly the first European to claim that Columbus and his followers had discovered a new continent. We’d be much happier with the Western Hemisphere’s name if Vespucci would have waited for Randy “Big Unit” Johnson to identify it.

Yoko Ono. Never held to account for her role in breaking up the Beatles, John Lennon’s widow has avoided the world’s punishment for too long. An apt penalty would be 10 years of solitary confinement while being forced to listen to her own cacophonous recordings.

Harrison Ford. The man whom a generation knows as Han Solo and Indiana Jones must face the music for delaying another Raiders of the Lost Ark installment for years while he made films like Hollywood Homicide with Josh Hartnett. Of course, chances of a conviction are slight, given that a jury of his peers would include other recently underperforming actors like Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, and Robert DeNiro.

Jethro Tull. Ian Anderson’s group isn’t bad; the classic album Aqualung influenced countless bands in the 1970s. But the crime of Tull’s flute-filled Crest of a Knave beating out Metallica’s … And Justice for All album for the Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance Grammy in 1989 demands … well, justice.

Nirvana. Let’s take Nirvana to court for ending the era of fun, good-times hair metal of the 1980s and giving us years of “I’m bored with my life” grunge. Half of the cases of depression in the United States since 1991 can be traced to the I-hate-myself-and-I’m-gonna-whine-about-it music that Nirvana spawned.

Cloning experimenters. There is absolutely no excuse for scientists to waste time clone sheep, cattle, and horses when they could focus their resources on replicating Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba.

I demand justice—lots and lots of it.