Null and Void

Apparently, boaters in Virginia have been passing more than maritime tips. And state officials have had enough.

Now the Department of Health is going to make it easy for people on the water to do the right thing—and do it in the right place.

To counter the rising levels of fecal bacteria in Virginia’s waterways—which boaters contribute to every time they make their own unauthorized deposits—authorities intend to build a floating restroom.

Apparently, many folks in Fecal Beach (formerly known as Virginia Beach) are either doing their business in buckets that they empty overboard or just dropping their load in directly. And that’s no way to treat your water supply.

Officials may think that spending somewhere between $40,000 and $80,000 for a toilet bobbing on the waves is efficient stewardship of taxpayer money. But this is America, the land of not only evacuation but also innovation. Can’t we do better?

We’d see a better return on our investment if the government adopted a pay-for-poop plan. Boaters would bring their best to the harbor authorities and speed off both a few ounces lighter and a few bucks richer.

Or Virginia may want to consider going for the “maximum effectiveness” approach, equipping each boat to deliver an electric shock to anyone who even thinks about taking a dump in the water. Just use that miracle of modern technology—the crap detector.

(Note to Hilary Clinton and Rick Santorum: Stay away from Virginia waters unless you have a high voltage fetish. Not so fast, Rick … I know you’ve a big fan of that Old Testament fire and brimstone stuff.)

Fiscal conservatives are likely to push hard for a cheaper alternative. I picture them encouraging water-goers simply to pull close to shore and hurl their turds as far inland as the human arm allows. They can even publicize this sensible proposed practice through a targeted public ad campaign.

“PSAs for BMs.”