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Monday, July 24, 2006

Null and Void

Apparently, boaters in Virginia have been passing more than maritime tips. And state officials have had enough.

Now the Department of Health is going to make it easy for people on the water to do the right thing—and do it in the right place.

To counter the rising levels of fecal bacteria in Virginia’s waterways—which boaters contribute to every time they make their own unauthorized deposits—authorities intend to build a floating restroom.

Apparently, many folks in Fecal Beach (formerly known as Virginia Beach) are either doing their business in buckets that they empty overboard or just dropping their load in directly. And that’s no way to treat your water supply.

Officials may think that spending somewhere between $40,000 and $80,000 for a toilet bobbing on the waves is efficient stewardship of taxpayer money. But this is America, the land of not only evacuation but also innovation. Can’t we do better?

We’d see a better return on our investment if the government adopted a pay-for-poop plan. Boaters would bring their best to the harbor authorities and speed off both a few ounces lighter and a few bucks richer.

Or Virginia may want to consider going for the “maximum effectiveness” approach, equipping each boat to deliver an electric shock to anyone who even thinks about taking a dump in the water. Just use that miracle of modern technology—the crap detector.

(Note to Hilary Clinton and Rick Santorum: Stay away from Virginia waters unless you have a high voltage fetish. Not so fast, Rick … I know you’ve a big fan of that Old Testament fire and brimstone stuff.)

Fiscal conservatives are likely to push hard for a cheaper alternative. I picture them encouraging water-goers simply to pull close to shore and hurl their turds as far inland as the human arm allows. They can even publicize this sensible proposed practice through a targeted public ad campaign.

“PSAs for BMs.”

32 Comments:

At July 24, 2006 10:31 AM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

How disgusting? They'd do better just to hand out immodium a.d. at the docks.

But I liked the electric shock idea - could be the Crapper Zapper, too.

Somehow I don't think their idea will float, contrary to popular belief.

 
At July 24, 2006 11:22 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Well, if the turds do end up on the beach, at least it would be considered fertilizer, right?

Ewwwww......just...plain....EWWWWWWWWWW.

 
At July 24, 2006 12:13 PM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

This reminds me of Gilda Radner's Roseanne Roseannadanna ~ "Jacque Cousteau is making movies in a fish's toilet." In all seriousness, I wonder how much of this is caused by "boaters" and how much is caused by sewage that is improperly treated before being dumped into the sea. Behind all those big hotels on Miami Beach, there are visible pipes running out into the sea. They are there for a reason.

 
At July 24, 2006 12:25 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

OMW; "Crapper Zapper," now why didn't I think of that!?!

Stacy: I considered titling this one "Ewwwww," but that looked too much like a comment verification code.

GW: "They" say that they "know" that it's not only the regular sewage-dumping issues but also these boaters. I don't think I want to know how they are so sure.

-- david

 
At July 24, 2006 12:26 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

What about a Shit-Cannon? Perhaps a Purple-Headed Pooper Shooter?

Or you could get a bunch of engineers to chanage the flow of water in the Chesepeake Bay to prevent the raw sewage from entering the water supply-- a la Chicago. When people started noticing fecal matter in their water supply civil engineers realized the raw sewage that was being dumped into the Chicago River was emptying into Lake Michigan and into the city's water supply. SOOO, they reversed the flow of the river sending the sewage downriver (the eventual destination being the Mississippi River and the St. Louis area) instead of out into Lake Michigan and the Chicago metro water supply. The moral of the story is avoid bottled water from the St. Louis area.

 
At July 24, 2006 12:32 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

How about a surcharge tax on refried beans, ExLax, and prune juice?

Too bad there is not a way to convert all the fecal matter to methane gas and run the boat...

 
At July 24, 2006 1:52 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

That is just so disgusting. I can not believe people do not have better sense than dumping in water they swim in and end up drinking. I would like to take a dump in their Brita pitchers.

 
At July 24, 2006 2:19 PM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

Sounds like they have been keeping close tabs on the boater-potty issue. I'm glad to see that our civil-servants are so diligent in watching people poop. You never know when one of those turds could turn out to be al-Qaeda.

 
At July 24, 2006 2:47 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Perplexio: Maybe we can just get all the dirty water out to sea and pushed toward whatever country we're fighting at the moment. Sure, it probably violates about 17 treaties ... but war is hell!

ZW: Taxes are high enough, dammit.

Mimi: Agreed. It's amazing how thoughtless some people are (No, I'm not referring to me. I hope.)

GW: Perhaps they were looking for infiltrating operatives in the country's waterways and instead found evidence of feces. Either way they'd find human waste.

-- david

 
At July 24, 2006 2:48 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

If you guys knew just how out of touch our state representatives here in Virginia are, it wouldn't be so surprising. Oh, Virginia Beach isn't the only place this is happening, either; it just gets the pub since it'a resort town.

 
At July 24, 2006 3:03 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

I wonder how much the fine is for a shit and run accident.

 
At July 24, 2006 3:56 PM, Blogger Ben replied to my musings ...

Am I missing something here ?

Are you worried that Hilary will throw Bill in the water ?

Was "whitewater" really a fecal lake and not a development corporation, and did the Clintons "flip flop" into the water ?

 
At July 24, 2006 4:07 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

I find I'm struck speechless.
Which doesn't happen very often.

HEY!
It would be a whole new kind of 'movement'!

 
At July 24, 2006 4:11 PM, Blogger erika replied to my musings ...

Ohh my gosh! LOL pay for poop! I wouldn't want that job!

 
At July 24, 2006 4:24 PM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

I live in Virginia Beach. I swim in the shit water. It's all good. They were puzzled for a long time as to why the fecal matter was so high. I really doubt they have found the real cause.

We have a HUGE shipping industry here. Think about all the shit that piles up in a ship...I imagine they don't always get rid of it the correct way. God only knows.

It's only been high in the streets numbered 70-80...supposedly the resort area is just fine...so all you redneck tourists can resume your swimming in our poop water.

 
At July 24, 2006 6:20 PM, Blogger CT replied to my musings ...

the funny thing is that they swim in it after dumping it... LOL.... that's nasty!!!

 
At July 24, 2006 7:07 PM, Blogger missy replied to my musings ...

You'd be amazed at where our water comes from really...

 
At July 24, 2006 7:14 PM, Blogger Kristen replied to my musings ...

*Shakes head*

Unbelievable

 
At July 24, 2006 7:33 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Bruce: You are so right. The things that happen in small towns ...

Fuzz: I believe the fine is scooping duty in the shallow water.

Ben: I was simply saying that Hilary is full of crap and thus would set off the detector. I can't rule out your speculations, though.

Tai: Speechless? Who are you--and what have you done with the real Tai?!?

Erika, CT, Kristen: You're all right on the money. This story just stinks.

BV: I thought of you as soon as I saw this story. (Because of VB, of course, not because of the crappy subject.)

Missy: The more I think about this, the more worried I get. Is drinking anything safe anymore?

-- david

 
At July 24, 2006 7:50 PM, Anonymous BarBarA replied to my musings ...

THis is just sick and wrong. Sick and wrong I tell ya. Grossed out over here.

 
At July 24, 2006 10:08 PM, Blogger siren replied to my musings ...

Everyone is getting worked up over poop in a large body of water, but no one seems to mind what's in that little hot dog they're eating at the ballgame.

I like the pay for poop plan by the way :) It makes me laugh every time I read it.

 
At July 24, 2006 10:49 PM, Blogger Maggie replied to my musings ...

So I wonder if the Coast Guard is going to have a "Poop Patrol" division to monitor the waterways....

 
At July 24, 2006 11:54 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

Well, at least we can bring back the poop deck on ships!!!! That way the crews can get the scoop!!!! Pay as you poop? No, no, no, it should be called "Scrap the Crap"!! Damn it's good to be back!!

 
At July 24, 2006 11:57 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

Well, in education you first get your BS, then it's More of the Same, then finally Pile Higher and Deeper...

 
At July 25, 2006 7:10 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Barbara, Siren: It is kind of sick ... but many other things are, too. Like hot dogs, yes. And reality TV.

Maggie: That's when you know your bosses don't like you, when they assign you to the "poop patrol."

Mike: You are the Dr. Seuss of fecal matter.

-- david

 
At July 25, 2006 8:22 AM, Anonymous fred charles replied to my musings ...

Hmmm...I can see people lined up in the water to get into one of those.

Dave, I'm always amazed that you are able to find these news stories. I don't even want to know what your method is, lol.

 
At July 25, 2006 1:18 PM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

guess you don't have as many shitty ideas as I do. ;) it could be a blessing or a curse.

 
At July 25, 2006 3:59 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

I don't understand how someone could think it's ok to crap in a lake.

 
At July 25, 2006 4:04 PM, Blogger jay lassiter replied to my musings ...

Virginia is for (heterosexual) lovers (who smoke and poop in buckets.)

 
At July 25, 2006 4:54 PM, Blogger Sar replied to my musings ...

Oh man, I'm going to VA Beach in a few weeks! I'll stay on the beach thank you very much.

 
At July 25, 2006 6:33 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Fred: My sources are numerous, including Web sites, recommendatons, and voices inside my head.

OMW: Let's go with blessing. We have enough curses around here already.

Mike: It's the same as going in a toilet ... only with a much, much bigger target.

Jay: Don't sell Virginia short. We also have Civil War re-enacters.

Sar: Be careful what you step in as you dip your toes in the surf!

-- david

 
At July 25, 2006 7:11 PM, Blogger Janet replied to my musings ...

And here I thought porta potties were bad.:)

Oh and from the looks of it, you don't seem to need any help in the comments department!

:)

 

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