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Friday, July 14, 2006

The Golden Age

You’ve seen a lot of get-rich-quick schemes.

Some of them find you through the Internet, others via direct mail. No matter how you receive them, these offers usually promise to bring you gold … but they rarely do.

Perhaps that’s because they don't employ ralstonia metallidurans bacteria.

It sounds odd, I know. But scientists working In Australia have found that 80 percent of gold grains thousands of miles apart had these microorganisms living on them. They assert that the bacteria help purge other metals and create solid gold.

You might be thinking that it’s time to invest in these microbes, distribute them around your yard, and reap the benefits. Sadly, the researchers report that the little guys only help the process move along more quickly; they cannot create gold where none is present.

But surely there are some other slow processes these crafty bacteria can help us out with.

Americans’ obsession with reality TV looks like a good candidate. A few well-placed germs might move us on to the next entertainment fad, which can’t be more degrading than this ongoing lowest-common-denominator trend.

How about France? It’s only polite to deliver ralstonia metallidurans there to help the French move past their tradition of surrender and learn about a concept called “victory.”

We could apply some of these handy bacteria to the Democratic Party’s snail-paced search for ideas of its own. And a side benefit—this would also help Howard Dean evolve fully into a human being and leave his howling Neanderthal days behind.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the microbes could wrap up the world’s international crises without further bloodshed? Let’s drop batches of ralstonia metallidurans around the globe to hasten the end of the insurgency in Iraq, the crisis in Lebanon, the nuclear standoff with Iran, and the brinkmanship of Kim Jong Il in North Korea.

Best of all, let’s sprinkle some on this David Amulet character.

He really needs to get over his nasty France-bashing habit.

25 Comments:

At July 14, 2006 12:21 PM, Blogger Mike replied to my musings ...

No reason to stop the France bashing. As the recent world cup showed, they can't quite ever win. Put up a good fight and then they do something stupid, like head butting. Like Indochina, then they come up with the concept of Dien Bien Phu. True, they are ok in tennins, but come on, that's it.

And isn't Kim Jong Il's cousin Men Tal Li Il?

 
At July 14, 2006 12:37 PM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

I think there were plenty of germs involved in current renditions of reality TV shows. They just seem to draw a bigger crowd....

 
At July 14, 2006 12:38 PM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

Oops. Pardon my heinous English.

"I think thre ARE plenty..."

 
At July 14, 2006 1:04 PM, Blogger Pavel replied to my musings ...

I have a good English friend with the same France-bashing habit. I hope it's not something one can catch, like a cold. (grin)

 
At July 14, 2006 2:07 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

Why would you wanna get over your France bashing habit?

I just love your ideas. When I rule the world you are gonna be placed high in my chain of command.

 
At July 14, 2006 2:11 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

France bashing!

Hrrumph! Let's not lose our heads--it's Bastille Day!

Er--wait, did that come out right??

 
At July 14, 2006 2:28 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Thanks, everyone. You are now officially enablers for my France-bashing. I'll fight on.

Mike: Nice to see you here again. I love the cousin's name!

Mimi: I'm ready to serve, but I have a few questions. How's the pay? Does the job come with health insurance and other benefits? Retirement plan?

-- david

 
At July 14, 2006 2:56 PM, Blogger ~ good girl ~ replied to my musings ...

First of all, ralstonia metallidurans sounds like something mother fed me growing up, up there with "foods to make your brain smarter, baby!" I just ran to the mirror and looked at myself. David, you must have some of this rasa tonic whatchamacalit! Where there's gold, there's perfection. And surely, there's gold in David Amulet! Perhaps more so when you get past your "1 (french) fry short of a Happy Meal" affliction :-)

I'm glad the Pasta boys won the World Cup. Really. Lippi is a saint! But the shallow ditz in me must declare Zidane tres hot. He's definitely not short on fries and I know he'd make a very Happy Meal.

Served on my lap, of course. I'll pass on the sauce.

GG

 
At July 14, 2006 4:08 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

Actually, that sounds more like a Jamaican speed metal/glam rock band...

 
At July 14, 2006 4:40 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Be careful, they might headbutt you.

 
At July 14, 2006 11:34 PM, Blogger fatty ~ replied to my musings ...

it seems to be a little known fact that Australians are good innovators and scientists hehe

you can bash the french as much as you want, but touch the australians and well... fear my wrath.

 
At July 15, 2006 9:21 AM, Blogger Rocky replied to my musings ...

Bacteria that creates Solid Gold?

Does that mean Dionne Warwick is coming back with the Solid Gold Dancers to count down each week's top 10 hits?!

I'd rather watch that than watch reality TV whore Flavor Flav use the gold bacteria to create better bling or new teeth.

 
At July 15, 2006 5:59 PM, Blogger Pixie replied to my musings ...

David, why do so many americans hate the drench ? I know a lot of Brits do but I pu that down to them living near us.

 
At July 16, 2006 2:43 AM, Blogger PDD replied to my musings ...

**************

There some sprinkles for the David Amulet character. Although I think your French bashing is proportionate. People think I bash the Jews, but I don't. I just found this to be a tad annoying and a lot ridiculous.

 
At July 16, 2006 6:02 AM, Blogger starbender replied to my musings ...

Don't B sooo hard on U'rself --
it's okay 2 bash France!!!

...and using the microbes 2 fight terror is a great idea, but R there enough microbes 2 go around???
:o

 
At July 17, 2006 9:55 AM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

amen, Rocky.

 
At July 17, 2006 11:25 AM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

I think the Democratic party is even beyond the aid of bacteria.

 
At July 17, 2006 12:30 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

GG: Thanks for the compliment (I think). However, having "David Amulet" in the same paragraph as "french fries" feels odd.

Bruce: Not a bad idea. Also a good sci-fi novel name.

Phoenix, Fatty: Maybe I'd bash the Aussies more if their football players acted like Zidane.

Rocky, OMW: I think Flav IS an overgrown bacterium.

Pixie: I think it stems from a perceived lack of gratitude for American sacrifices on behalf of France, exacerbated by lack of French support for US initiatives from NATO's early days up to current world issues. But I'm no expert ... maybe it's just because Amercians don't like croissants and mimes.

PDD, Starbender: OK, you've convinced me--the French-bashing will not end with this post!

Fuzz: Finally, someone weighs in on the Democratic Party! For all the buzz about the blogosphere being a partisan political minefield, I am (pleasantly?) surprised to see so few comments on that political point.

-- david

 
At July 17, 2006 2:11 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

France is just the New Jersey for the world. They're just an easy target for insult and ridicule. They were going to publish a book of French War heroes but due to lack of material they had to go with a pamphlet instead. 1 page features a white flag and all of its accomplishments on the battlefield and the next page features a teenage girl whose sanity was suspect.

 
At July 17, 2006 2:54 PM, Anonymous fred charles replied to my musings ...

If you could find away to evolve all of those pesky reality shows, you would be my next choice for leader of the free world. That goes for Rockstar Supernova too.

 
At July 17, 2006 10:59 PM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic replied to my musings ...

I love New Jersey, but their cheese and bagettes leave a lot to be desired.

 
At July 18, 2006 9:47 AM, Blogger Ben Heller replied to my musings ...

I went to France over the weekend and I think a few sprinkles on them might not do any harm.

I mean, they were doing a hell of a lot of David Amulet bashing.

 
At July 18, 2006 12:58 PM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

Screw the Decomocrats...I need some on my big toe to make the nail grow. Way more important.

 
At July 18, 2006 3:10 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

"also help Howard Dean evolve fully into a human being and leave his howling Neanderthal days behind."

Awwww...but the howling is so damn entertaining! ;)

 
At July 19, 2006 9:32 AM, Blogger jay lassiter replied to my musings ...

i am glad you busted your own balls there at the end.

it was a fitting (and endaring) end!

 

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