The Golden Age

You’ve seen a lot of get-rich-quick schemes.

Some of them find you through the Internet, others via direct mail. No matter how you receive them, these offers usually promise to bring you gold … but they rarely do.

Perhaps that’s because they don't employ ralstonia metallidurans bacteria.

It sounds odd, I know. But scientists working In Australia have found that 80 percent of gold grains thousands of miles apart had these microorganisms living on them. They assert that the bacteria help purge other metals and create solid gold.

You might be thinking that it’s time to invest in these microbes, distribute them around your yard, and reap the benefits. Sadly, the researchers report that the little guys only help the process move along more quickly; they cannot create gold where none is present.

But surely there are some other slow processes these crafty bacteria can help us out with.

Americans’ obsession with reality TV looks like a good candidate. A few well-placed germs might move us on to the next entertainment fad, which can’t be more degrading than this ongoing lowest-common-denominator trend.

How about France? It’s only polite to deliver ralstonia metallidurans there to help the French move past their tradition of surrender and learn about a concept called “victory.”

We could apply some of these handy bacteria to the Democratic Party’s snail-paced search for ideas of its own. And a side benefit—this would also help Howard Dean evolve fully into a human being and leave his howling Neanderthal days behind.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the microbes could wrap up the world’s international crises without further bloodshed? Let’s drop batches of ralstonia metallidurans around the globe to hasten the end of the insurgency in Iraq, the crisis in Lebanon, the nuclear standoff with Iran, and the brinkmanship of Kim Jong Il in North Korea.

Best of all, let’s sprinkle some on this David Amulet character.

He really needs to get over his nasty France-bashing habit.