Google

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Loose Lips Sink Planes

Airline employees do many things to calm passengers’ natural fear of flying.

They provide safety briefings before every flight. Offer movies and radio channels. Hand out pretzels secretly laced with sedatives to lull passengers into semi-consciousness.

That last one is just a theory. Let me know if you have evidence.

Contrast these soothing acts, however, with the phrases that airline representatives should never utter.

Like what I heard last weekend on a trip back into town. A sentence that will live in infamy.

“This is a non-stop flight.”

Maybe I’m in the minority here … but I appreciate it when my flight actually DOES make its scheduled stop. “Direct” flights are great; “non-stop” flights spur thoughts of accidental disappearance from the world as we know it, like Flight 815 on ABC’s Lost.

You would think that of all people, flight attendants would be obsessed with using the proper language. You would think.

Imagine my surprise when—during the same flight—an employee-formerly-known-as-stewardess joked with her colleague about passengers about to get bombed.

I’m alert to clear and present dangers. I pay attention to those homeland security briefings.

So, naturally, I hit the deck and rolled into fetal position, with visions of the Shoe Bomber dancing through my head. I completed three full rolls toward the protection of the nearest galley before realizing the attendants were merely discussing my fellow travelers’ alcoholic consumption.

Thankfully, nobody made any “let’s roll” quips.

We landed safely despite the staff’s poor choice of words. I thanked the pilot for a smooth flight and exited the aircraft calmly and peacefully. But not before grabbing fourteen extra packets of pretzels.

I’ve been sleeping really well this week.

24 Comments:

At June 01, 2006 10:01 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

I always wonder why they say non stop. It makes me think the plane would normally just stop in mid air.

 
At June 01, 2006 10:32 PM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

Maybe I should start keeping pretzels in my medicine cabinet.

 
At June 01, 2006 11:28 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

I miss the peanuts.

 
At June 02, 2006 8:31 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

I need one of those pretzels before I get on the plane.

;)

 
At June 02, 2006 8:40 AM, Blogger Dr.John replied to my musings ...

I haven't been sleeping well so I guess I need to fly and get some pretzels. But then since I have no teeth they would be hard to eat.

 
At June 02, 2006 10:48 AM, Anonymous mojotek replied to my musings ...

One of my favorite airplane jokes (I think it was Larry the Cable Guy):

Paranoid passenger: "If one of the engine's fails, how far do you think we'd make it?"

Smartass passenger: "All the way to the scene of the crash! Hell, we'll beat the paramedics there by half an hour!"

I don't know why that one always makes me crack up when I hear it.

 
At June 02, 2006 11:24 AM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

I always find planes too loud to sleep on and nothing and I mean nothing scares me more than turbulance. Ugh!

 
At June 02, 2006 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

I guess the aim of the "non-stop" flight is to stay ahead of the langoliers.

 
At June 02, 2006 11:36 AM, Blogger LocuTus of Borg replied to my musings ...

Ummmm yea I can relate to that David, someone who travels at least twice a month. I guess it is normal for people in the routineness of their jobs to just have fun with words. Maybe not! LOL Have a good weekend!

 
At June 02, 2006 5:13 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Passengers and flight attendants alike need to be careful of colorful colloquialisms as well...like, "Dat's da bomb!"

It could result with an air marshal's knee on your back, and you learning what the plane's floor tastes like.

 
At June 02, 2006 6:28 PM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

be careful not to eat too many pretzels, you may end up being assaulted. (ba dum bum) :)

you should've reported her - isn't it like a 10,000 fine or something? either that or I would've used it as a bargaining chip to smoke in the bathroom.

 
At June 03, 2006 10:29 AM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

You'd think they'd know better than to use expressions like 'bombed' and 'ticked off' on a plane.

Beware those Langoliers ;-)

 
At June 03, 2006 4:01 PM, Blogger The Valley Girl Philosopher replied to my musings ...

I think "non-stop" is just legal jargon in the event the plane goes down. So when the families of the deceased demand compensation, the airline can say, "Hey. We told you weren't gonna stop." Times are tough. American Airlines saved $50,000 a few years ago by taking out one olive on each salad served. It's true. I read it on the Internet.

 
At June 03, 2006 5:12 PM, Blogger dragonflyfilly replied to my musings ...

hey there fellow gemini - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, soon? or passed? -

cheers,
pj

 
At June 03, 2006 9:40 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

Chemists at Pfizer are distilling the active ingredient in the Bavarian pretzel as we speak.

They have isolated the active chemical, and when the FDA approves it, they will begin selling us Pretzelsoft® for roughly $9.45 per pill, with perscription.

Ironically, the first commercial in the can is a businessman sleeping on a plane while the stewardess tells tasteless jokes and makes fun of the other flight attendant doing that song and dance where they show you the emergency exits.

"Make the world a better place. With Pretzelsoft..." is the proposed tag line.

 
At June 04, 2006 1:04 PM, Blogger mckay replied to my musings ...

this post reminds me of one of my favorite steven king novels: the gondoliers. no, wait, the langoliers. yeah, that's it.

mck.

 
At June 04, 2006 3:30 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

As long as I don't see Leslie Neilson on my plane, I'll be ok...

 
At June 05, 2006 9:10 AM, Anonymous Fred Charles replied to my musings ...

I don't know about laced-pretzels but I had to take 7 flights total for our China trip last year so I was self-medicating.

 
At June 05, 2006 12:24 PM, Blogger Dirk the Feeble replied to my musings ...

Pretzels? Whatever happened to peanuts?

 
At June 06, 2006 12:18 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

I think people got tired of watching men shake a fistful of peanuts before eating them. Just what the hell is that anyway? I found myself doing that the other day. Does that mean I'm getting old?

Why do I shake my peanuts?

 
At June 06, 2006 7:41 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

"Excuse me, I speak jive...."

And Phoenix, I'm not sure any of us know why you shake your (pea)nuts. ;-)

 
At June 07, 2006 5:17 AM, Blogger An80sNut replied to my musings ...

Grab all the pretzels you can as I hear that the peanuts are slowly being taken away.

 
At June 07, 2006 8:49 AM, Blogger BrianAlt replied to my musings ...

Gotta love dem pretzels!

 
At June 07, 2006 10:55 AM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

This post reminded me of Whoopie Goldberg's original Broadway Show. She does a skit that talks about the stewardess showing the passengers how to use the flotation device. "I thought about the "flotation device"... What does it do? It floats, right? But you have to be in water, right? My question is ~ what is it going to do for you while your plane is falling out the sky? That is when I want security."

 

Post a Comment

<< Home