Loose Lips Sink Planes

Airline employees do many things to calm passengers’ natural fear of flying.

They provide safety briefings before every flight. Offer movies and radio channels. Hand out pretzels secretly laced with sedatives to lull passengers into semi-consciousness.

That last one is just a theory. Let me know if you have evidence.

Contrast these soothing acts, however, with the phrases that airline representatives should never utter.

Like what I heard last weekend on a trip back into town. A sentence that will live in infamy.

“This is a non-stop flight.”

Maybe I’m in the minority here … but I appreciate it when my flight actually DOES make its scheduled stop. “Direct” flights are great; “non-stop” flights spur thoughts of accidental disappearance from the world as we know it, like Flight 815 on ABC’s Lost.

You would think that of all people, flight attendants would be obsessed with using the proper language. You would think.

Imagine my surprise when—during the same flight—an employee-formerly-known-as-stewardess joked with her colleague about passengers about to get bombed.

I’m alert to clear and present dangers. I pay attention to those homeland security briefings.

So, naturally, I hit the deck and rolled into fetal position, with visions of the Shoe Bomber dancing through my head. I completed three full rolls toward the protection of the nearest galley before realizing the attendants were merely discussing my fellow travelers’ alcoholic consumption.

Thankfully, nobody made any “let’s roll” quips.

We landed safely despite the staff’s poor choice of words. I thanked the pilot for a smooth flight and exited the aircraft calmly and peacefully. But not before grabbing fourteen extra packets of pretzels.

I’ve been sleeping really well this week.