Can You Hear Me Now?

For two days, a single story has grabbed my attention like no other.

Given my global interests, you might think that I’m referring to the emerging details of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s final minutes. Or President Bush’s surprise visit to Iraq to meet with the Iraqi Cabinet and US troops. Maybe the World Cup matches.

You might think these things. But you’d be wrong.

Instead, I find myself fascinated by the story of the cell phone ring that old folks just can’t hear.

They say that aging makes it more difficult—and eventually impossible—for grown-ups to perceive high pitches that schoolchildren have no problem hearing. Teenagers now enjoy setting their phones to an adult-inaudible “ring” for their calls and text messages, a perfect recipe for classroom shenanigans.

This nice trick is an off-shoot from a special tone developed in the UK to scatter teenagers congregating in public places.

Give it up for the kids who found a way to turn it around on The Man.

Perhaps the powers that be are considering additional ring tones to cancel out the following nuisances:

-- Long nails—running down a chalkboard;

-- Cats in heat—doing what cats in heat do;

-- Tropical storm/hurricane hype—panicking everyone in Florida needlessly;

-- The Nanny’s Fran Drescher—opening her mouth for any reason;

-- Children on airplanes—screaming for hours and hours … and hours;

-- Election-year pandering and bluster—repulsing millions of voters;

-- Britney—protesting (too much?) that her marriage is just fine.

There’s only one problem.

I can’t help but feel sorry for all those poor kids, condemned to hear all these irritants for years to come.