Friday, May 05, 2006

Wanna Get Away?

Life takes us on detours. And now and then, time spent far from home can be a good thing, granting you new perspective and recharging your batteries.

If taking even just one day “off” from the world is refreshing, then several weeks away—without any relatives or coworkers to put demands on your time—sounds like a real treat.

But six decades is pushing it.

Say hello to Isinosuke Uwanu, who was a solider in the Japanese Imperial Army helping occupy the eastern Russian island of Sakhalin as the Second World War ended. In late April—for the first time since 1943—he returned to Japan and saw his family, which had thought him dead.

Nobody seems to recall how by the 1960s he ended up a resident of a small town in rural Ukraine, where he fathered two daughters.

I hope he at least remembers how he ended up a father … but I have my doubts. After all, Uwanu will only say that “due to the Soviet regime” in Ukraine, he had been unable until now to make it back home.

I’ve heard some lame excuses before—hell, I’ve TOLD some lame excuses before—but this is a weak one to explain a 60-year absence. He’d be better off claiming he was on an errant flight that got “lost” and crashed on an uncharted tropical island with mysterious hatches, mysterious visions, and attractive people who appear to be having mysteriously little sex.

Uwanu’s story is fascinating, but he isn’t the only one who has to explain a long disappearance. I’m looking forward to hearing the eventual justifications for these celebrities’ prominent absences:

Amelia Earhart: Planes usually don’t just disappear. People have been waiting for many decades to hear the reason why her last journey truly was a non-stop flight.

Al Pacino: His absence of gritty, compelling performances since the 1970s is one of the great mysteries of our time. Come on, Al—we’ll forgive most of your past two decades if you’ll show us again, just once more, what a gifted actor we know you can be.

The Democratic party: Honestly, how can these folks fail time after time to innovate even in the face of repeated Republican blunders? Party leaders shift back and forth between inaction and reaction; no wonder many folks say the U.S. isn’t even a two-party system anymore.

David Fincher: The talented director of Se7en, Fight Club, and Panic Room hasn’t made a movie in a long, long time. He even bowed out of directing the third Mission: Impossible. Let’s hope his forthcoming Zodiac is worth the wait.

Tom Cruise: His absence from sanity will need one hell of an explanation. Maybe Xenu, Scientology’s ancient supernatural figure, can swing by and enlighten all of us. For a price, I’m sure.

Isinosuke Uwanu: Sorry, man, I’m still not buying it. Sixty years away … the last forty or so because you couldn’t step out of Ukraine? I suspect something else is at play here: your love of adventure, your unhappiness with life back home, maybe just a fetish for Ukrainian chicks. Or maybe you figured a Ukrainian village was the best place to avoid Scientologists.

Watch out, Mr. Uwanu: Tom Cruise may be doing M:I:III publicity in Japan.

I'm sure it's not too late to get on a plane back to Kiev.


At May 05, 2006 7:25 AM, Anonymous Leah replied to my musings ...

crap...sixty years is more than Odysseus' record of 20. that is pretty lame.

At May 05, 2006 8:01 AM, Blogger Bad Girl replied to my musings ...

You forgot about two obvious, most painfully absent things:

the real Van Halen

your butt in those leather pants

verification: potxdkb

At May 05, 2006 8:04 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

So you're saying that when I disappear to Costa Rica sometime in the next year, my "I guess I made a wrong turn in Mexico!" excuse isn't going to hold up, huh?

Damn. Back to the drawing board!


At May 05, 2006 9:49 AM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

Yes, I think that whole batch is a little "lost".
And did Uwanu's family buy the story?
A colleague of my father's once got "lost". He and his mistress went to Chicago for a couple days. He later called his wife and asked her to send him money because he ended up in Chicago and he doesn't know "how". She bought his lie hook, line and sinker.

At May 05, 2006 10:16 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Uwanu's story is not unqiue.

A few years ago, a couple Japanese soliders were found in a remote island in the Philippines. They were afraid to make their presence known, fearing they would be executed by the Japanese army.

They too fathered children and raised a family.

It's strange - it's like time stops for these guys. You combine being "lost" far away from your homeland with wartime psychological trauma, that's what you get.

At May 05, 2006 10:46 AM, Blogger LocuTus of Borg replied to my musings ...

LOL thats funny David. I did read about the story of Mr. Owanu thinking that you have it exactly right! I was rolling what you said about Cruise. Poor guy he really has lost touch with reality huh? Happy weekend!

At May 05, 2006 11:19 AM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

Next he'll use the old dog-ate-my-orders excuse. Sheesh.

At May 05, 2006 12:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

Well said. You are a master at finding these amazing news stories. Hey yeah - whatever happened to Fincher?

At May 05, 2006 12:32 PM, Blogger BrianAlt replied to my musings ...

Nice one!

Now excuse me while I disappear for several decades...

It was aliens, I swear it was aliens.

At May 05, 2006 1:42 PM, Blogger BuffyICS replied to my musings ...

I want an explanation from Pacino, Tom Cruise and the democratic party too! But sadly I think the "thetan" (or whatever it's called, in Tom is gone forever, which is too bad because apparently it provided him with much-needed sanity.

At May 05, 2006 4:04 PM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

Here are some heavy metal examples.

I think Paul Stanley of Kiss has just been wearing his guitar rather than playing it for the last 20 years. Although he used to play it so maybe he will return to playing some day.

I think there are some legal complications but Cinderella have not released a studio lp since 1994 yet they continue to tour every summer.

Don Dokken used to have a head, but it has been hidden by a hair helmet since the late 1980's.

At May 05, 2006 6:16 PM, Blogger Jim replied to my musings ...

how come lost Japanese soliders can find love and I can't get a date for Saturday night????

also gone missing: a sitcom worth watching

At May 05, 2006 9:33 PM, Blogger Bar Bar A replied to my musings ...

I love reading your blog, it never disappoints me - and your commenters (aside from yours truly) are always entertaining too!

At May 05, 2006 10:18 PM, Blogger Sage replied to my musings ...

The Japanese get lost for so many years and then show up. I nwonder how many americans have done the same but never showed back up?
READ: MIA Things that make you go HUMMMMMM.

BTW I LINKed you on my Blog

At May 06, 2006 1:17 AM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

Anyone seen Bobcat Goldthwaite lately?

At May 06, 2006 10:07 AM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

as long as Amelia isn't flying that plane back home, he should be okay.

"truly non-stop flight" - hilarious!

Where's Chevy Chase?

At May 06, 2006 5:05 PM, Blogger An80sNut replied to my musings ...

I've heard the rumors about some Japanese soldiers being discovered after 10 years or so, still believing that World War II was going on. This is a little too much. I'd be afraid to miss out on too much. Then again, there are still people out there that are afraid to get rid of their VHS players.

At May 06, 2006 8:34 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

Amnesia would have been more believable.

I wish Al's performances would reappear. And that Tom would disappear with his sanity.

At May 07, 2006 7:32 AM, Blogger jay lassiter replied to my musings ...

david, i adore your wit.
i was just saying to Phoenix the other day that it's been a tough week for me. times like these make me appreciate your trenchant humor most of all.

At May 08, 2006 5:56 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

These reactions are great; maybe I should do "missing" posts more often! Jay: I'm glad I could help, even if only a bit, during a rough time.

-- david

At May 08, 2006 8:35 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

What ever happened to writing letters to your family members telling them "you're ok" or "I'm never coming home?"

At May 08, 2006 10:44 AM, Blogger Anita replied to my musings ...

I pray every day for the disappearance of Mr. Cruise. I am about tired of seein' his whack-ass smile all over the place when I'm in line at the grocery store. You know who else could vanish? That damned Paris Hilton.

At May 08, 2006 11:28 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

Both of the two major parties are inherently corrupt and broken beyond repair. I don't know what's more appalling the corruption of the Republican party OR "San Fran Nan's" (Nancy Pelosi) assertions that the corruption in the Democratic party is somehow different and shouldn't be held to the same standards as the corruption of the Republican party. Congress right now is just one giant "Clusterfuck of Corruption" which knows no party boundaries.

Vote for None of the Above for Congress in 2006! For that matter Vote for None of the Above for President in 2008!

At May 08, 2006 4:18 PM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

I don't understand why someone doesn't just make Tom disappear. Why is he still in the news? I've never even seen MI: I or II.

At May 15, 2006 12:35 PM, Blogger Todd and in Charge replied to my musings ...

Wasn't that guy on an episode of Gilligan's Island?


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