A Modesto Proposal
There I was, leaving the mall after some Mother’s Day shopping. Just minding my own business.
As I made my way through the parking lot, my thoughts wandered to my plans for weekend … Duke’s basketball team next season … how much better off the world would be if Britney Spears stopped having children …
Lost in my own little world, I meandered for what must have been five minutes before realizing that my car was gone.
First thought: Crap! Where did I park? Then, after a few seconds of careful consideration, and a memory of parking it RIGHT HERE, the mind turns to: Crap! Someone stole my freakin car!
Of course, it’s right about then that another memory returns, one of pulling into a spot in a very similar lot near a very similar door. Only it’s about half a mile around the building.
Crap.
And during the long walk past Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft, I’m thinking At least they didn’t steal my car. Which shouldn’t surprise me because the Washington, DC area, I'm happy to say, does NOT rank near the top of the country’s worst car theft regions.
Then again, neither does New York. Or Boston. Or Miami. In fact, no metropolitan area east of the Rocky Mountains shows up.
But the story would end very differently if you lived in places like San Diego, Phoenix, Sacramento, or Seattle; they all rank in the top ten per capita vehicle theft areas, according to the National Insurance Crime Bureau. California comes out the worst—six of the top ten metropolitan areas are in the Golden State.
And the city of Modesto, for the second year running, is the worst of them all.
And some facts about Modesto make this criminal distinction seem like more than just a coincidence.
It turns out director George Lucas is from Modesto—where he set American Graffiti, the movie in which a character rode around all night--in other people’s cars!
Crazy, I know.
But not as crazy as this: The Modesto area was also home to James Marsters, who you probably know better as Spike from TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.
Marsters’ Spike, of course, appeared on Buffy with Willow, played by Alyson Hannigan, who in turn was in the American Pie films with Seann William Scott, the one and only Stifler.
And we all know what other movie HE was in. Come on, say it with me …
Dude, Where’s My Car?
posted by David Amulet @ 8:15 PM
21 wisecracks
21 Comments:
Moral of the story--before you move to Modesto, trade in your Porsche for something more...well, modesto....
"Common Sense--An unlocked vehicle with a key in the ignition is an open invitation to any thief, regardless of which anti-theft device you use. The common sense approach to protection is the simplest and most cost-effective way to thwart would-be thieves."
Duh how little common sense would a person have to have not to know this?
Modesto makes me think Scott Peterson which makes me muderer.
Was that a good movie?
you broke the guy-rule, always park near and use the Sears entrance, and you were therefore punished
My wife lost her car in a parking lot once. She thought it was stolen but it was just another case of being at a faceless mall where everything looks the same.
Dude! Sweet!!! Dude! Sweet!!!
Crazy...but I really liked that movie. Especially the pot smoking dog...;)
Jim's right...it's Sears or bust.
Problem is, the Sears entrance is in actuality a mile more more from where you actually WANT to be.
I don't mind the thought of Britney Spears reproducing-- it's the thought of Kevin Federline reproducing that I find so morally reprehensible-- unleashing the spawn of Federline upon humanity should be a capital offense!
I really don't get Britney's choice of mate. A lass of her hotness could have done INFINITELY better-- heck her very short-lived marriage to Jason Alexander would likely have reaped better offspring than the seed of K-Fed.
Her marriage to K-Fed brought her a loss of popularity comparable only to the falling rock that is Tom Cruise's career.
...and THEN?
No And then!
Sorry. Peanut Queen stole my other favorite lines. I too am slightly embarrassed to admit that I found the movie funny.
But the plight of Modesto? Not funny at all. They should consider implementing a better mass transit system in order to save themselves the hassel of looking for all them stolen cars....
I am surprised that El Paso is not on the list this year. They are a constant top ten. It is so easy to sneak them over the border and chop them up. Maybe tightening the border has done some good after all.
okay, so I'll say it along with you and I'll also say it again except this time it'll be "once more, with feeling". :)
I will back your survey as my truck was stolen when I lived in CA, although it wasn't in Modesto - and there were no vampires running around either.
Hilarious! I can't believe that Philly isn't up there. But then again, I guess it's not really about the car thefts here...it's really more about the stealing of the car stereo. I think the Windsheild repair places are in cahoots with car stereo thieves...
Those cities make perfect sense...there's a very big stolen car/car parts flow from the West Coast to Mexico.
You have experienced what I call "Dismal Mall Syndrome." They design and build malls so that you get lost. That includes wings and entrances/exits that all look the same.
Notice, you'll also never see a clock at a mall.
The mall designers got you to take one last trip through the mall, afterall.
I'm not surprised. Modesto is rarely in the news for anything good. Chanra Levy & Gary Condit come to mind, but there's more.
Duuuuude, awesome wrap to connect Seann William Scott to a stolen car in Modesto, CA. I bet he and Alyson hannigan stole a car at least one time at band camp.
I'm impressed you pulled out James Marsters. I'm still upset both those shows ended. And I'm happy that Vegas didn't make that jump to #1.
David, that was a pretty impressive degrees of seperation jump to Dude, Where's My Car. Glad you didn't have your car stolen. Ever wonder if the mall fairies come out while you're shopping and move your car just to make you walk past more shops that you just might pop in since you're passing them? Of course you didn't that would be just silly. ;)
6 degrees of car theft... you should market it and make a billion bucks
Hahaha! I was wondering where you would en up with that. And I never really realized that no city east of the Rockies is well known for car theft... interesting fact.
Post a Comment
<< Home