Sunday, April 23, 2006

Yellow Fever

I keep hearing about the looming Chinese threat.

Every few weeks, someone is bitching about it. Beijing’s military and economy are growing, they say. A challenge to American hegemony in Asia … a disgruntled giant that might soon muscle its neighbors around like a bully on the playground.

But I’m not concerned. Why not?

I’m resting easy at night because I recently discovered how weak that country really is.

China, I’ve learned, is losing a war. Not to invaders like Russians, Japanese, or even Mongolians. No, the Chinese are losing to moths.

The geniuses in Beijing planted thousands upon thousands of trees around the capital in an effort to put on a “green” Olympics in 2008. Only one problem: These trees attract the American White Moth, which breeds quickly … and eats quickly, too. The little buggers are able to take down a fully healthy tree within a few days.

And therein lies the problem. Chinese officials don’t want their country to look all brown and withered while the world’s eyes are on it. So forestry experts are employing measures ranging from insecticide lamps to bees to get rid of these spawns of Mothra. (Apparently Godzilla was unavailable to help out; maybe the People’s Republic keeps him out because of his new-found love for Falun Gong.)

You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that China isn’t alone. Other nations around the globe are scurrying to counter similar pests:

-- Nepal faces thousands of vermin, those pesky citizens just wanting something resembling democracy.

-- In the UK, the royal family annoys even the most patient Brits.

-- The US endures waves of Baldwin brothers, Simpson sisters, and American Idol winners.

-- As if these plagues weren’t bad enough for North America, Mexico is seeing fewer Mexi-cans and more Mexi-can’ts, while Canada is rapidly losing its battle with mind-numbing boredom.

Nothing else around the world, however, compares with the hellish invasions threatening continental Europe.

-- Germany, for example, just can’t shake its case of David Hasselhoff.

-- And France has the worst pests of all: French people.


At April 23, 2006 8:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous replied to my musings ...

no one beats aust.

prickly pears and cane toads like helll in queensland

bats wreak havoc in sydney

camels in hoards out west

and americans - getting into every last nook and cranny.

At April 23, 2006 9:37 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

Breeds quickly and eats quickly. Maybe they should call it 'The American White Trash Moth.'

At April 23, 2006 11:00 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Fatty: You may be right. Aussies have it all. Even that cool koala (speaking of eating a lot).

Fuzz: They would call the moth that ... if its wings were camoflaged like K Fed.

-- david

At April 24, 2006 12:29 AM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

The part about France was maybe one of the funniest things you have written.

At April 24, 2006 12:34 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

David Hasselhoff was there, singing in an electric jacket when the Berlin Wall came tumbling down. I hear he's still there, trying his hand at rap. Germans throw money and plane tickets at him, but he refuses to leave. They hope a Baywatch reunion will finally do the trick.

At April 24, 2006 8:15 AM, Blogger FredCQ replied to my musings ...

I adopted my daughter from China so I spent 2 weeks there.

Another Olympic-related renovation that they are planning is the installation real toilets in some of the public places instead of the hole in the floor that people are expected to use. Maybe they will even provide toilet paper! We actually had to carry our own with us! Not joking.

At April 24, 2006 11:27 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

It's time for the NHL playoffs so most Canadians have been able to shake off their boredom. The only Canadiens that may still be bored are the Toronto Maple Leafs fans. The Leafs missed the playoffs this year for the first time since 1997.

At April 24, 2006 11:31 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

SHIT, I just realized, to avoid offending the Quebecois, I need to repost that last comment in French-Canadian:

Il est temps pour les finales de NHL ainsi que la plupart des Canadiens ont pues secouer outre de leur ennui. Le seul Canadiens qui peut encore être alésé sont le érable de Toronto pousse des feuilles des ventilateurs. Pousse des feuilles a manqué les finales cette année pour la première fois depuis 1997.*

*translated using the AltaVista Babelfish.

At April 24, 2006 3:40 PM, Blogger OnMyWatch replied to my musings ...

"Mexi-can'ts" - HILARIOUS. This was really funny. :)

At April 24, 2006 3:49 PM, Blogger Blonde Vigilante replied to my musings ...

This is one of the best posts I've read in along time. Not that you're not always fabu, but this was good.

At April 24, 2006 4:00 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Good comments, friends.

Phoenix: Isn't a Baywatch reunion up there with global pestilence and raining frogs as one of the Signs of the Apocolypse?

Fred: Ah ha! It was YOU who carried the moths over there!! (Cool.)

Perplexio: Well done. I didn't even know there was an online translation service. Very nice--now I can insult the French in French.

Onmywatch: I give full credit to the otherwise lackluster writers of Once Upon a Time in Mexico for that one.

Metal Mark, BV: Happy to please. I actually whipped this one out quickly and wasn't all that happy with it ... thanks for making my day!

At April 24, 2006 4:34 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

But David, the best way to insult the French is to completely ignore their language and make it a point to speak to them only in English or in the worst possible broken French known to man.

Oh and don't forget to mention the only ever French war hero was a teenage girl who heard voices in her head-- that usually works too.

At April 24, 2006 4:36 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

PS: Another fun way to insult the French-- remind them that the only French that knew how to fight moved to Quebec and gave birth to hockey players.

At April 24, 2006 4:46 PM, Blogger Jim replied to my musings ...


At April 24, 2006 5:30 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

Is there any way to deport the Baldwin brothers?

At April 24, 2006 6:07 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

Bruce: Did you hear the latest on the Baldwin brothers? After 9/11 Stephen Baldwin had a bit of a religious conversion and became a bit of a Bible-thumping born-again Christian.

Or maybe the real reason he became so devout was he realized that God was the only being who could resurrect his career after he starred in Bio-Dome.

And the whole thing with Baldwin brothers in the South Park movie is what made that movie rather implausible. I don't think we Americans would go to war with Canada for bombing the Baldwin Brothers, I think we would thank them profusely and lavish them with gifts for such a sublime act of kindness!

At April 24, 2006 8:14 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

Part of the problem is that after you eat a Chinese tree, you are hungry an hour later.

Moth balls are an excellent Baldwin brother-repellent. I have been using them for weeks now, and I haven't seen a Baldwin brother in my closet since.

They always seem to chew on my best suits, too!

If you are out of moth balls, just light a candle, and the Baldwin brother will circle it till he dies. Little known fact!

At April 24, 2006 8:52 PM, Blogger Mimi replied to my musings ...

Crazy, but the moth thing actually make sme feel a bit better!:)

At April 24, 2006 9:56 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

I didn't realize Canada was that boring.

Here...let me blow something up, that should help!

At April 25, 2006 7:11 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Perplexio: OK, I'll skip the French. I'll consider posting in Uighur instead.

Jim: It's been a long time since I've seen an A+. Where were you for me in high school?

Bruce: Let's just stop watching their movies, that should do it. Perhaps we can get Alec to move to France.

ZW, Mimi: I never knew we had such a moth-friendly crowd. Goth, sure. Fans of David Lee Roth, too. Maybe fans of The Empire Strikes Back's ice world named Hoth. But moth ... that's unexpected.

Tai: Sorry, Canada seemed like a better place to call boring than Aruba.

-- david

At April 25, 2006 10:44 AM, Blogger Crazy Dan replied to my musings ...

I think Mexico might make it. If you have heard anything about there election the canadiates are all saying vote for me I have the biggest balls!. So the new Mexican president will have large balls and I think that is a smart way to vote for your leaders... the biggest balls win. Hilary in 2008!

At April 25, 2006 5:07 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn replied to my musings ...

We are currently being invaded by thousands of bugs. Some of these types, I've never seen before. I think warm, humid weather must breed bigger, scarier bugs.

That last line is a crack up!

China is going to try and put on quite a facade for the the world during the Olympics. It will try and convince us all that their country's citizens are free and happy.

At April 25, 2006 5:08 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

David: Actually regarding the looming Chinese threat-- I thought the threat was that Axl Rose was actually going to FINALLY release the long promised Chinese Democracy album and thus usher in yet another of the many signs of the apocalypse.

At April 26, 2006 4:00 AM, Blogger An80sNut replied to my musings ...

Loving the post. I guess with this new "threat" they are marking the success of their new humanitarian effort. Hard to oppress when you have to divert your attention.

At April 26, 2006 10:08 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

Apparently the Chinese are having trouble with big breasts too.

Man -- that place has many many plagues.

At April 26, 2006 11:53 AM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

Funny post, especially the part about the Baldwin & Simpson spawn. Don't forget those annoying Hiltons.

I'd like to pistol whip everyone who had a hand in putting the Olympics in China. I'm not a fan of the ChiComs. They aren't our friends & they treat their people like pests.

At April 26, 2006 1:25 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

Why are the Baldwin brothers still making movies?

At April 26, 2006 10:46 PM, Blogger ChickyBabe replied to my musings ...

Try visiting Aus! Ditto to what was said above. And the flies!

At April 27, 2006 8:41 AM, Blogger Big D replied to my musings ...

The Hoff is more god then pest.

At April 28, 2006 1:34 AM, Blogger dragonflyfilly replied to my musings ...

yep, mind numbing boredom with trying to keep up with our "sweet" neighbours and friends, i.e. those God-fearing, gun-toting, lyposuctioning, botox peddling 'mericans - don't get me wrong - i find most of our neighbours to the south fun luving and hospitable...but the politics, and the infernal Hollywood Hype...crumbs!... and i don't know, but they have not had a decent president since good ole' Abe...

or is it just me?

At April 28, 2006 2:08 AM, Blogger dragonflyfilly replied to my musings ...

p.s. but you won't believe what made it into the 11:00 o'clock news tonight! - a postal worker was found having sex with a prostitute in a Canada Mail truck in Burnaby!!! - very newsworthy, eh? he is still working but the "alleged incident" is being looked into - ho hum.

At April 28, 2006 2:15 AM, Blogger dragonflyfilly replied to my musings ...

p.p.s. oh, this is an old photo of me with my boring ex-room mate's boring boa constrictor, ChiChi...yawn, i'm putting myself to sleep with all this remnissing, lol

At April 29, 2006 10:51 PM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

This one is a classic David! Good job.


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