Yellow Fever

I keep hearing about the looming Chinese threat.

Every few weeks, someone is bitching about it. Beijing’s military and economy are growing, they say. A challenge to American hegemony in Asia … a disgruntled giant that might soon muscle its neighbors around like a bully on the playground.

But I’m not concerned. Why not?

I’m resting easy at night because I recently discovered how weak that country really is.

China, I’ve learned, is losing a war. Not to invaders like Russians, Japanese, or even Mongolians. No, the Chinese are losing to moths.

The geniuses in Beijing planted thousands upon thousands of trees around the capital in an effort to put on a “green” Olympics in 2008. Only one problem: These trees attract the American White Moth, which breeds quickly … and eats quickly, too. The little buggers are able to take down a fully healthy tree within a few days.

And therein lies the problem. Chinese officials don’t want their country to look all brown and withered while the world’s eyes are on it. So forestry experts are employing measures ranging from insecticide lamps to bees to get rid of these spawns of Mothra. (Apparently Godzilla was unavailable to help out; maybe the People’s Republic keeps him out because of his new-found love for Falun Gong.)

You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that China isn’t alone. Other nations around the globe are scurrying to counter similar pests:

-- Nepal faces thousands of vermin, those pesky citizens just wanting something resembling democracy.

-- In the UK, the royal family annoys even the most patient Brits.

-- The US endures waves of Baldwin brothers, Simpson sisters, and American Idol winners.

-- As if these plagues weren’t bad enough for North America, Mexico is seeing fewer Mexi-cans and more Mexi-can’ts, while Canada is rapidly losing its battle with mind-numbing boredom.

Nothing else around the world, however, compares with the hellish invasions threatening continental Europe.

-- Germany, for example, just can’t shake its case of David Hasselhoff.

-- And France has the worst pests of all: French people.