Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Special Album Review: Spinal Tap’s Rock and Roll Creation

This is a new one for me: a review of something that doesn’t even exist.

I have responded to the call of two fellow rock fans—Ben of "My Daily Review" and Metal Mark of "Heavy Metal Time Machine"—in a possibly unprecedented effort to nearly simultaneously review three albums by Spinal Tap, the greatest rock band that never was. Please check out their reviews of Brainhammer and The Sun Never Sweats.

Without further ado, here is my fake review of the fake Spinal Tap album from 1977, Rock and Roll Creation.

Once each decade or so, an album takes the rock world by storm with its musical virtuosity and lyrical genius.

Spinal Tap’s Rock and Roll Creation is NOT that album.

In fact, it’s hard to call this ostentatious fusion of heavy metal, religious imagery, and sophomoric sexual allusion an album at all. Rock and Roll Creation is better described as the soundtrack to the level of Hell that even Dante didn’t dare describe.

Trying to locate bright spots on this record is like searching for buried treasures in your backyard—they may be there, but you’ll have to look really, REALLY hard to find them … and you’ll uncover a lot of shit in the process.

The album’s least vomit-inducing song is the title track, the only one on the record preferable to shaving one’s testicles with a rusty scalpel. Tap’s co-founder and lead singer, David St. Hubbins, growls lines like “Ying was searching for his yang/And he looked and saw that it was good.” One hopes that St. Hubbins is referencing Eastern philosophy’s tenets of self-awareness and balance, but it is far more likely that he is simply imagining a man named “Ying” who admires his own penis.

Spinal Tap’s morbid hybrid of sexual innuendo and quasi-spiritual phrases weigh down the album's other tracks, like “Young, Smug and Famous.” The band’s label says the album was originally titled The Gospel According to Spinal Tap. That name would have better described the bulk of the album, which indeed should be lost for centuries in the nether regions of a nameless desert.

The most positive thing to say about this vomitorium of sound is that it at least attempts hard rock—more than can be said for its immediate Tap predecessors: Back for the Rent, the band’s first, and thankfully last, contribution to glitter rock; and Tap Dancing, Tap’s equally horrid stab at glam dance music. Rock and Roll Creation fails miserably ... but it’s tempting to give the band a D- for effort.

So take this reviewer’s advice: Buy this album.

Then smash it, burn it, and bury the ashes deep in your backyard so it will never see the light of day again.


At February 15, 2006 8:05 AM, Blogger FredCQ replied to my musings ...

Regard Spinal Tap's album Shark Sandwich, didn't someone write a two word review: Shit Sandwich

Great post!

“Ying was searching for his yang/And he looked and saw that it was good.”

I have read sillier lyrics from real metal bands...

At February 15, 2006 8:40 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Thanks, Fred. My aim was to write a snarky, smart-ass review in the same vein as those in the movie This is Spinal Tap ... I'm gald you caught the tone!

-- david

At February 15, 2006 9:28 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

They need to rename "The Gospel According to Spinal Tap" to "The Awful According to Spinal Tap."

D- is pretty merciful.

At February 15, 2006 10:58 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Geez...I'm on hiatus for a little over a week and I'm kicked off your favorite blogs list.

Dang, tough crowd.

Actually three of my fellow bloggers did the same thing. Blog real estate must be a premium these days!

At February 15, 2006 11:50 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Phoenix: Glad you're back; I'll put you back up, no worries. I thought you would be gone for a while--your dramatic goodbye made most of us think it would be months, not days!

And you should consider those of us who took you down temporarily to be your BEST blog-pals: Anyone clicking on your link and finding nothing there several times would be unlikely to keep trying later when you returned.

Again, welcome back.

-- david

At February 15, 2006 12:03 PM, Blogger Todd and in Charge replied to my musings ...

Hilarious -- almost as bad as the "real" music from bands like The Darkness....

At February 15, 2006 12:34 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

But what a stage show.

At February 15, 2006 12:48 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Sorry about the typo, Fred. I'm glad, not gald. Really.

Todd: Thanks for the comment. Some of Tap's music is quite fun to listen to. But because this album doesn't even exist--the only song recorded was "Rock and Roll Creation"--I found it hard to write a positive review.

And it was more fun to just trash it.

-- david

At February 15, 2006 12:54 PM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

Great review. My review is up on my blog now.

At February 15, 2006 2:13 PM, Blogger KC replied to my musings ...

What a great review. Makes me want to listen to it... not really.

At February 15, 2006 2:42 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

"We feel it's the best offering since Lou Reed's Metal Music Machine..."

However, Trace Adkins' 'Songs About Me' continues to produce the most screams of agony, when the listener is subjected to 'total immersion' of the record played continuously, 24/7.

Gwen Stefani's 'Holla Back Girl' comes in close as a 'motivational tool,' but that's just a single, and the people we tested it on liked other parts of the album..."

The Staff; Abu Gharib Prison.

At February 15, 2006 4:06 PM, Blogger Ben Heller replied to my musings ...

Excellent david,

I think that Nick, Mick and Dick Pickwick played on that album but I'm not sure.

The penis rubbing innuendo was indeed started by David and Nigel joking about rubbing their "cucumbers".

Unfortunately Derek took their joke literally and ofcourse started to put an aluminium foil coverered cucumber down his pants.

At February 15, 2006 7:43 PM, Blogger FredCQ replied to my musings ...

Gald sound like the name of a black metal musician, lol. I think there is someone nameed Galdar in Cradle of Filth or Dimmu Borgir

At February 15, 2006 9:39 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

I watched that movie "This Is Spinal Tap". I actually enjoyed it.

At February 16, 2006 5:49 AM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Don't get me--or Mark or Ben, for that matter--wrong. We are all BIG fans of the movie, regardless of what we might think of the imaginary back catalog.

-- david

At February 16, 2006 8:25 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

"Least vomit-inducing song"???

That one would probably be my favorite....;)

At February 16, 2006 8:37 AM, Blogger FredCQ replied to my musings ...

Yeah, Spinal Tap is one of the best movies. I heard rumors that the original idea was based around the band Saxon. I don't know its true or not.

At February 16, 2006 10:13 AM, Blogger LocuTus of Borg replied to my musings ...

LOL that's funny ... the use of all those adjectives and adverbs was righteous haha! I saw the movie a long time ago, but never really got into that kind of music.

At February 16, 2006 11:33 AM, Blogger BrianAlt replied to my musings ...

I'd have to give your review an 11, which is of course better than 10.

And the best part of the album was actually the cover. I own both the original "rape" cover and the later boring one.

How many drummers did they actually use on that album anyway?

And thanks for the link!

At February 16, 2006 4:31 PM, Blogger none - ya replied to my musings ...

I did what you said and I still don't have a Spinal Tap tree. I'm fucking pissed about that by the way. :P

At February 16, 2006 11:28 PM, Blogger siren replied to my musings ...

Vomitorium of sound...that's a classic :)

At February 17, 2006 4:36 PM, Blogger Sar replied to my musings ...

That was the best fake review of a fake band and fake album I ever faked reading. ;)

Kidding. My favorite line was "...the soundtrack to the level of Hell that even Dante didn’t dare describe."


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