Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Claw Enforcement

During every election year, politicians clamor to be the “law and order” candidate. They want to demonstrate their hard-nosed approach to justice, appear as law enforcement’s best friend, and prove they are tougher on crime than their opponents.

One-upmanship abounds as they propose more secure prisons, harsher sentences, and expanded police patrols. But they leave out much more cost-effective ways to stop crime in its tracks.

Like simply saying “no.”

According to this report, a woman at Rocky’s Mini Mart in Hesperia, California recently deterred an armed robber simply by rejecting his demand for cash. She told him that she couldn’t give him the money, and he just walked right out of the store, no harm done.

Just consider the implications. If a potential arsonist swings by your place, you just say “no,” and she goes away. If a would-be murderer comes at you with a knife, you just say “no,” and he goes away. If bloggers close in to attack you for denigrating John Denver and the Muppets, you just say “no,” and they go away.

Many of you are probably thinking, though, that you don’t want to become known as a negative person. You might be asking … isn’t there another way to clip criminals’ wings?

Well, your attitude is for the birds. Seriously—it’s for the birds.

Because it turns out our feathered friends are the last great hope against crime, according to this story out of Pennsylvania. Last month, a macaw there took offense at an intruder. In a big way. It clawed at him, screeched loudly enough for neighbors to hear, and chomped hard enough into the burglar to leave a nasty wound.

It’s only a matter of time before a politician realizes the potential of the talented—and apparently rather territorial—macaw. It won’t be long before a candidate proposes adding the birds to police departments across the country.

At first, police organizations will squawk. Political opponents will cry fowl. But eventually other candidates will parrot the proposal.

And the idea will fly.


At February 28, 2006 8:15 AM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Is it wrong of me to have had a crush on John Denver when I was a kid???

Yeah probably so....;)

And you just wait until they run that story on my Chico, my attack chinchilla! You just try and find a pun for that one! ;)

At February 28, 2006 8:50 AM, Blogger Curare_Z replied to my musings ...

I guess this would mean the end of the "Eat More Chicken" ads coming out of Chic-Fil-A.

At February 28, 2006 10:09 AM, Blogger Jenn replied to my musings ...

Today this theory will be applied. "Jenn, do you work." "No."

Also, I've put 'buy Macaw' on my grocery list. NO, I'm not gonna eat him. He's gonna save me!

At February 28, 2006 10:16 AM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

Wonder if they will change the birds name frome Sunshine to something more suitable; perhaps Dirty Harry and train it to say, 'Make my day, Punk.'

At February 28, 2006 11:01 AM, Blogger Ben Heller replied to my musings ...

And Quails have masterminded the ability to confuse our species into believing that we look like them.

At February 28, 2006 11:11 AM, Blogger Cari replied to my musings ...

Can we say no to politicians altogethor?

At February 28, 2006 12:24 PM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

I can see the signs now: This property is protected by an attack macaw.

The thieves will laugh themselves silly.

At February 28, 2006 12:28 PM, Blogger Tai replied to my musings ...

I second Cari on that.


At February 28, 2006 12:51 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

A burglar cases this house for months. He knows the people who live in the house are wealthy and one day he gets his chance-- the family who lives in the home have left for an extended vacation.

So he sneaks into the house, and it's pitch black. He doesn't want to turn on the light as he feels that would alert the neighbors to his presence. So he starts feeling around for items and putting them in his bag.

"I see you and Jesus sees you." he stops and looks around, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from. He finally decides that its just his imagination and continues bagging the booty.

"I see you and Jesus sees you!" The voice is a little more firm this time. The burglar is starting to get a little nervous. He picks up the pace, this house is really freaking him out and the sooner he gets out, the better.

"I SEE YOU AND JESUS SEES YOU!" The burglar is REALLY freaking out by now, and because he's so nervous he's kind of lost his bearings, he knows he's going to have to turn the light on to figure out how to get out of the house.

He turns the light on and sees a Macaw sitting in a cage and a Doberman sitting next to the cage!

"GET 'IM JESUS!" The Macaw issues the attack command.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Your tale reminded me of that joke!

At February 28, 2006 12:58 PM, Blogger angel, jr. replied to my musings ...

Cool bird. Birds of a feather stick together. I don't know why i added that last sentence.

At February 28, 2006 1:37 PM, Blogger BuffyICS replied to my musings ...

How do you always come up with all of that wordplay? It's really quite impressive!

At February 28, 2006 1:52 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard replied to my musings ...

The "Just say 'no'"-strategy would not work for me, if the crime was Identity Theft.

I always have trouble "saying no to myself..."

At February 28, 2006 1:56 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

It's a cardinal sin not keeping your own community safe.

At February 28, 2006 2:29 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Gee, Buffy, I never thought I'd be so flattered ... I'd like to thank the Academy for being the wind beneath my wings.

I'd also like to thank Stacy for ensuring that I'm not the biggest dodo on the planet. And Curare, Jenn, and Fuzz for not being chicken to post comments about my wren-ching essay.

Ben, you have my gratitude for reminding me to duck when hunting with Dick C., unless I want a swift trip to the hospital.

Cari and Tai: I appreciate your willingness to mock(ingbird) all politicians!

I'd like to thank Cube, Perplexio, and Angel for not grouse-ing about my puns.

Zen Wizard has my appreciation for not calling me a loon.

And ,most of all, I'd like to thank The Phoenix for his last post, which spurred me to such fowl thoughts. I'm just borrowing the bird topic, buddy, I'm not robin it.

-- david

At February 28, 2006 3:40 PM, Blogger Ranea replied to my musings ...

Sic 'em Polly:)

At February 28, 2006 3:52 PM, Blogger BrianAlt replied to my musings ...

Man, what a bird brain!

If NO works, why not "Beware the attack McCaw!"?

At February 28, 2006 6:17 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn replied to my musings ...

"Just Say No," sounds vaguely familiar.

I need to get a macaw. Somehow, I don't think our two turtles are very good at guarding the house.

Politicians & Parrots are synonymous.

At February 28, 2006 8:07 PM, Blogger ApostleRadio replied to my musings ...

Puns are the lowest form of humor. Take that sentence to heart.

At February 28, 2006 8:32 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

The disparagement of puns is the lowest form of criticism. Thanks for stopping by.

-- david

At February 28, 2006 8:46 PM, Blogger Leah replied to my musings ...

Who knew that Nancy Reagans slogan of Just say No would again ring in our ears...

I feel like singing a little We Are The World now. Has anyone seen Michael Jackson lately to join in on it?

At February 28, 2006 10:05 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

If puns are the lowest form of humor. Then I welcome you to the bottom of my barrel, my friend.

I went to that yahoos site and I can only say that a low form of humor is better than no humor at all.

At February 28, 2006 10:33 PM, Blogger siren replied to my musings ...

david - i think you're pun-tabulous. I'm giving apostleradio the bird right now.

At February 28, 2006 10:42 PM, Anonymous Bruce replied to my musings ...

A little "birdie" told me that visiting apostleradio's site would be a waste of time. He was right...

At February 28, 2006 11:09 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

Now now, I don't think it's necessary to be flipping anyone the bird or anything. It looks like Apostleradio's comment is an inside joke between him and David. So people need to chill.

Perhaps it's a ploy to get all of us to go over to his site and get some traffic going. If so, it's a great way to promote yourself. Tally ho!

If Apostleradio is actually being a pompous ass...maybe he should really work on his own site before criticizing someone else's.

"the capricious nature of the internet daunted me for a few weeks, leaving me unwilling to reestablish a venue for venting my mind’s erratic detritus."

Are you fucking serious? "Fustian indeed you are," as Yoda would say. I'd say you got a Doctorate in "Magniloquence and Vaingloriousness."

And the guy compares his blogging
comeback like that of a phoenix rising from the ashes. How lame is that??? (hardy har har).

At March 01, 2006 12:17 AM, Blogger ApostleRadio replied to my musings ...

Har har indeed. Fear not, readers of david amulet's blog, my response was meant in jest. No offense was intended, David, and I hope none was taken.

Had I known that my comments would spur some of you to visit the site, I would have spruced the place up a bit in your honor. Unfortunately, Parsimony was only brought back online yesterday after an accidental deletion a month ago. Occassionally I try to be humorous, and sometimes I am serious instead.

As for the "fustian" nature of my first post, I suppose you could call it an inside joke for those who usually read my stuff. If you were visiting for the first time, then I suppose I would seem like quite the "pompous ass."

Please, feel free to resume your punning.


At March 01, 2006 1:24 AM, Blogger CT replied to my musings ...

my ex had an african grey, and that fucking bird bit my finger!!!!

PS I got you on the roll... thanks dave

At March 01, 2006 4:03 AM, Blogger An80sNut replied to my musings ...

Hell yes! Bring back falconry!! Otherwise, I'd worry about all those people that say no and get robbed, stabbed, shot or raped after still saying no. Give them all a gun and see if crime drops.

At March 01, 2006 9:56 AM, Blogger jay lassiter replied to my musings ...

First of all, glad to hear i wasn't the only one with a white-hot crush on john denver. Bravo sister!
And wasn't the muppets the hottest ticked in holly-wood back in the 70's? as i recall everyone was clammoring to get on that show.
But with regards to this macaw business, i wish we could *train* birds to attack politicians. Ya know, upstage their press conferences, fly away with their toupe, this sort of thing. can you imagine training a bird to poop on on oh, say Kay Baily Hutchinson's beahive. something like this.
Ah, david we may be on to something here!!!!

At March 01, 2006 12:34 PM, Blogger Mojotek replied to my musings ...

Ha! Macaw justice... I love it. I'm not so sure about the 'no' deterrent to thwarting crime. Seems like most criminals might get turned on when you say that.

At March 01, 2006 1:13 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn replied to my musings ...

Whew! It gonna kind of nasty around here yesterday.
The claws came out!!
I'm glad it all got worked out without a cock fight.
But, some feathers did indeed fly!

At March 01, 2006 4:34 PM, Blogger Godwhacker replied to my musings ...

Good story David ~ just don't go all Nancy Reagan on us:) Back in the days of her "Just Say No" campaign, I remember a story of her venturing out into an L.A. crack house during a raid. As if the crack addicts didn't have enough to worry about!

I also remember Timothy Leary's comments on the rudeness of the Reagan era ~ "Just say no thank you"

At March 01, 2006 8:42 PM, Blogger Anhoni Patel replied to my musings ...

this is so weird.

At March 01, 2006 10:38 PM, Blogger Rocky replied to my musings ...

Great stuff! I like the bird officers helping police idea. They should also dress like pirates and say AAARRRRR! a lot.
The only problem with feathered friend police? The squad cars would really get shit on.

At March 02, 2006 9:45 AM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

Hey you non-poster. Get your goth ass over to my site and leave a list.

At March 02, 2006 10:42 AM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

rocky, but the plus is bird officers could be paid in crackers! :-)

On the whole Pirate theme, maybe we should make this Bird Squad the Coast Guard's responsibility.

At March 02, 2006 10:59 AM, Blogger none - ya replied to my musings ...

You are sooooo punny!

At March 02, 2006 11:37 AM, Blogger Dirk the Feeble replied to my musings ...

I nominate this blog for the Worst Puns on the Web award.

Unless you say no, I guess.

At March 02, 2006 1:24 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

Thanks to all for the wide array of comments in the past couple of days.

Fuzz: Busy times, busy times. I'll try to post tomorrow. And I'll swing by your site soonest.

Arm: A nomination for a pun award? If that's based on the bird names, then I'm not only flattered ... but fluttered.


At March 02, 2006 3:48 PM, Blogger Amy replied to my musings ...

Personally I’m shocked… the way things seem to be going these freaking days… I can’t believe Deeter didn’t sue the hell out of Erb… not only sue him – but win… take everything he owns and move to the south of France... buy his own macaw and sit happily fluffing his own "bird" for the rest of his days...

At March 03, 2006 3:33 AM, Blogger Laurie replied to my musings ...

Instead of "Beware of Dog" signs, there will now be "Beware of Bird" signs.

Good Birdy.

At March 03, 2006 2:31 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn replied to my musings ...

You simply do not post often enough, and I for one am tired of it! When I pop in here hoping to read one of your witty thingies, I am profoundly disappointed to find nothing new. I know that humor, like a fine wine, takes time to develop, but could you maybe just come up with little tidbits for your loyal readers more often?

Just teasing you. Have a good weekend.


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