Thursday, December 15, 2005

Where the Wild Things Are

We humans really are into ourselves.

Rather than ponder the rich variety of life that surrounds us, we focus on making our way in the world today. Which, I will note for the 80s TV junkies, takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries, they say, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away?

My point is that sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. (Thanks for playing "Name that Tune." We now return you to your regularly scheduled story.)

We like us, and we show it. Some of us seek to learn from our ancestors, horsing around with séances and mediums. We obsess over celebrities, aping their fashions and their habits. We ogle members of the (usually) opposite sex, dogging them for attention. Meanwhile, we pay scant attention to the animal species all around.

But that’s about to change. The evidence is all too clear: The war for planet Earth has begun. Humans vs. animals—pick a side.

The most vicious battleground appears to be in Zimbabwe, where according to, a conservation group warns that crocodiles and elephants are battling it out for best human-killer.

Croc special forces have taken 13 people out so far this year in the small country, barely topping the pachyderm assassins’ total. Elite hippo units and buffalo hired guns have also scored kills recently. Even rogue lions are coming out of their seclusion and sniffing for human victims.

Environ-mentals will say that the animals are just reacting to human encroachment on their traditional turf. That’s just too easy of an answer, however—there must be something more nefarious, more dastardly behind all this.

Maybe the animals are annoyed at the so-called “Intelligent Design” folks, with their anthrocentric assault on the idea of evolution. Or perhaps it’s all due to the animal kingdom’s revenge for that whole ark thing, which animals consider the non-human, prehistoric version of “Rent.”

Whatever the proximate cause, these beasts are PISSED OFF. Collect your weapons. Safeguard your valuables. Prepare to fight.

I’ve seen “Planet of the Apes.” I know what can happen. There’s no time to monkey around.


At December 15, 2005 3:50 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

"it’s all due to the animal kingdom’s revenge for that whole ark thing, which animals consider the non-human, prehistoric version of “Rent.”

Oh man, I totally lost it there.

At December 15, 2005 4:52 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

The only thing I don't like about the animals is that their attacks appear to be random. Can't we direct them to Washington DC and various law offices around the world? Maybe to a few random used-car dealerships?

At December 15, 2005 5:03 PM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

I have seen Planet of the apes as well. Plus I witnessed William Shatner fighting off hundreds of tarantulas in that great 70's cheapie Kingdom of the spiders. Maybe Shatner could still help us if we get attacked by spiders. Oh, wait, he didn't exactly win in that movie. Maybe that's not a good example.

At December 15, 2005 5:05 PM, Blogger BuffyICS replied to my musings ...

Well, I for one welcome our new animal overlords.

At December 15, 2005 5:47 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox replied to my musings ...

Where is Dr. Doolittle, when you need him?

At December 16, 2005 1:06 AM, Blogger RT replied to my musings ...

Ha Ha Ha! I'm with Buffyics... Let 'em have it. Let them go out and earn the catnip for once, while I stay at home and poop in their shoes.

At December 16, 2005 3:32 PM, Blogger David Amulet replied to my musings ...

If we ever get to the point that William Shatner is our strongest hope, we're all in deep trouble. Except for Ricardo Montleban, Kirk always had his number ...

-- david

At December 16, 2005 8:24 PM, Blogger Ben Heller replied to my musings ...

Zimbabwe's Evil dictator Robert Mugabe, the man who jails political opponents, forces the land owners to give up their farms (usually violently) may be training these animals to be his new Stormtroopers. It's a jest....sorry.

The point is that the tragedy of Zimbabwe goes on, and western governments continue to ignore the desperate conditions that the population live under. They have no oil reserves. Am I being cynical.

An example of Governmengt media control.

have a good weekend

ben (over the pond)

At December 16, 2005 11:44 PM, Blogger cube replied to my musings ...

But wait, soylent green is people. The animals were eaten long ago! I guess your point of view depends on which old sci-fi movie you base your life principles on ;-)


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