Where the Wild Things Are

We humans really are into ourselves.

Rather than ponder the rich variety of life that surrounds us, we focus on making our way in the world today. Which, I will note for the 80s TV junkies, takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries, they say, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away?

My point is that sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. (Thanks for playing "Name that Tune." We now return you to your regularly scheduled story.)

We like us, and we show it. Some of us seek to learn from our ancestors, horsing around with séances and mediums. We obsess over celebrities, aping their fashions and their habits. We ogle members of the (usually) opposite sex, dogging them for attention. Meanwhile, we pay scant attention to the animal species all around.

But that’s about to change. The evidence is all too clear: The war for planet Earth has begun. Humans vs. animals—pick a side.

The most vicious battleground appears to be in Zimbabwe, where according to CNN.com, a conservation group warns that crocodiles and elephants are battling it out for best human-killer.

Croc special forces have taken 13 people out so far this year in the small country, barely topping the pachyderm assassins’ total. Elite hippo units and buffalo hired guns have also scored kills recently. Even rogue lions are coming out of their seclusion and sniffing for human victims.

Environ-mentals will say that the animals are just reacting to human encroachment on their traditional turf. That’s just too easy of an answer, however—there must be something more nefarious, more dastardly behind all this.

Maybe the animals are annoyed at the so-called “Intelligent Design” folks, with their anthrocentric assault on the idea of evolution. Or perhaps it’s all due to the animal kingdom’s revenge for that whole ark thing, which animals consider the non-human, prehistoric version of “Rent.”

Whatever the proximate cause, these beasts are PISSED OFF. Collect your weapons. Safeguard your valuables. Prepare to fight.

I’ve seen “Planet of the Apes.” I know what can happen. There’s no time to monkey around.