Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Taking a Historical Mulligan

In life, we rarely get do-overs. Especially for really, really bad things.

In Greece, however, authorities are giving it a go. As crazy as it sounds, investigators there have elected to re-enact the Cypriot airplane disaster that killed more than 120 people in August.

You may recall that Greek fighter jets intercepting the wayward flight looked into the cockpit and saw only a co-pilot slouched over and a flight attendant with an oxygen mask at the controls. And then they watched the plane smash into the side of a mountain. Researchers suspect that air decompression restricted the airplane’s oxygen, rendering most of the crew and passengers unconscious and leading to the horrible crash.

The authorities believe that the re-enactment will shed light on the cause of the accident.

I believe that it gives me ideas for other fruitful historical do-overs:

1. The O.J. Simpson Trial. Something tells me that the whole proceeding would have gone a little better if we had a different cast of characters involved. How about the cast of Law and Order instead of Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden? Let’s see Miles Massey (George Clooney from the movie Intolerable Cruelty) defending O.J. in place of Johnny Cochran. And I always thought Judge Ito’s role would have been better played by The People’s Court’s Judge Wopner.

2. The Titanic. No, not the ship—I just want to remake the schmaltzy movie. Only this time, we will put James Cameron, Leo DiCaprio, and the others involved in making of this film on the ship itself as it goes down. Or we could just keep the ship from sinking in the first place, removing the impetus for this blight on the landscape of American cinema.

3. The Fall of the Roman Empire. A global imperium may not be the ideal form of government, but its disintegration is a bitch. All kinds of raping and pillaging and barbarian invasions, you know. Then centuries of technological and cultural decline. It seems like most of the world’s problems started with Rome’s decay, so maybe we can try again with a few revisions—like fewer crucifixions and more toga parties.

Who knows … if the Romans had stuck around longer and made earlier advances in jurisprudence and transportation, we might not even have seen the O.J. trial. Or the sinking of the Titanic. Or the airplane crash in Greece. Many future catastrophes could have been avoided.

Surely, for example, the Romans would have thrown James Cameron to the lions.


At December 28, 2005 12:37 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen replied to my musings ...

Judge Wopner would've KICKED ASS.

And the lions would've regurgitated ol' James Cameron, I'm sure...;)

At December 28, 2005 1:05 PM, Blogger Ben Heller replied to my musings ...

Those are some great ideas for re-enctments, particularly the O.J trial.

May I add a couple of personal wishes here David ?

1. Every year we should have a re-enactment of the 1980 World Series (with the same result ofcourse), just to remind hopeless Phillies fans like me that we once had a good team.

2. A re-enactment of Bob Dylan's performance at the original Live Aid concert in 1985. He really couldn't be THAT bad again..or could he ?


At December 28, 2005 2:33 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

I think [i]Titanic[/i] (the film) gets such a bad rep because it was totally kutchered. It's not that bad a movie. From a filmmaking and special effects standpoint it was absolutely brilliant. Unfortunately the excellent filmmaking and effects were overlooked due to both the flat script and cardboard acting-- the only decent acting in the movie is Kate Winslet, who holds a convincing early 20th century American accent for the duration of the film.

Despite it's cardboard acting this movie is a guilty pleasure of mine and has made me into a bit of a Leonardo DiCaprio fan-- not for his performance in this film (which I find one of the worst of his career)... But because of his career moves since. He could easily have played it safe and become a superstar, but instead has taken a handful of risks since that film. Some have paid off, some have not . But I have to give him credit for having the balls to take those risks when he could just as easily have taken the path of least resistance.

And some of the historical do-overs I'd like to see:

1) The Red Sox KEEP Babe Ruth rather than trade him to the Yankees after the 1918 World Series.

2) The 1919 White Sox, ignore the wishes of the mafia and actually play to win the World Series.

With these 2 changes, the Chicago White Sox, who retain the 8 players who helped them with the 1917 World Series and would have helped them win the 1919 Series would have assisted the White Sox into having the dynasty that the NY Yankees actually ended up enjoying. I'm not a White Sox fan, I just hate the Yankees that much.

Oh and while personally I'm happy the Union won the Battle of Gettysburg, I'm sure Robert E. Lee would not have minded a "do-over."

At December 28, 2005 7:56 PM, Blogger Jim replied to my musings ...

Dick Cavett always said he hoped someday they would remake Gilligan's Island as a comedy.

At December 29, 2005 10:14 AM, Blogger Metal Mark replied to my musings ...

I would like to go back and see good shows like Freaks and Geeks, the Tick, Greg the bunny, the Adventures of Brisco County Jr. and It's your move get another chance. These were all good shows that only lasted a year or less normally due to being switched around to different time slots or just not getting enough support from the network.

At December 29, 2005 11:48 AM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

The Romans would've made O.J. a governor or something...I think he and Nero would've been best buddies.

At December 29, 2005 1:36 PM, Blogger Perplexio replied to my musings ...

But would the glove have fit on Nero's hand?

At December 30, 2005 1:13 AM, Blogger Laurie replied to my musings ...


The OJ trial with Judge Judy and Denny Crane would be fun, too!

At December 30, 2005 9:48 AM, Blogger Dear Jane replied to my musings ...

It's good to see you blaming the Romans instead of the French this time...

At December 30, 2005 12:09 PM, Blogger The Phoenix replied to my musings ...

As far as historical do-overs, I've got a great Monica Lewinski joke just hovering about in my brain somewhere...


Post a Comment

<< Home