Man's Buttocks Glued to Toilet Seat: A Commentary

Finally, dear readers, here is a story that’s worth a crap. In fact, as the Rolling Stones said in “Jumping Jack Flash," it’s a gas, gas, gas.

A Colorado man has sued Home Depot for $3 million—alleging pain, humiliation, and financial loss after a prank in 2003 left him glued to a toilet seat for about fifteen minutes.

I feel the need to get to the bottom of this; I’d feel like an ass if I didn’t. So even if you do not give a crap, listen up, because I would not want you fall behind on the news.

The plaintiff claims that Home Depot workers laughed at the man before realizing he truly was stuck and finally called paramedics, who left abrasions when they removed the toilet seat from his posterior. The victim alleges that the experience almost gave him a heart attack.

I feel cheeky weighing in on the legal merits on this suit without first flushing out all the details. But I would not be surprised if the sitting judge on this case moves it to the rear of his docket. Or even throws it right in the can.

Bottom line: If I make just one of you more cautious about sitting on a glue-lined toilet seat in a public place by giving you this dump of useful information, my work will be justified. This effort to reveal the dark underside of the toilet-seat retail world will be a public service, and we can put this kind of thing to an end.

I must admit, however, that I am having a few regrets about making this man the butt of my jokes.