US Television: Falling into Enemy Hands?

When it comes to TV, my only regular programs are We Are the 80s and Metal Mania on VH-1 Classic. And this spring, I must admit, I got sucked into the show “Lost.”

Other countries, I hear, have quality programming. They say “The Office” started as a British show. Canadian broadcasting puts on entertaining and informative material, so they say … but I find that hard to believe.

Regardless, I do not watch much television. Yet I am always fascinated by the networks’ slate of new shows for the fall TV lineup.

So as a public service I hereby offer my uninformed initial thoughts on a few of the potential gems we will be seeing (at least for a few episodes before cancellation) next month.

On UPN, we will get a Melrose-like soap called “Sex, Love and Secrets.” Subtle. I have not seen much about this show, but I suspect it will be a family drama about honesty, chastity, and platonic love.

Positive: There just is not enough sleaze on television; this winner will bring balance back to the medium.

Negative: They might think it is “cute” to bring Andrew Shue back to prime time. I think he went to Dartmouth—isn’t that awfully close to Canada?

Fox will bring us “Head Cases,” about a young hotshot attorney who returns to the bar after a nervous breakdown only to find that his former colleagues are not interested in his services any longer. So, naturally, he teams up with a mentally unstable partner and entertainment ensues.

Positive: Star Chris O’Donnell may be too busy with this show to be drawn into reprising his role as Robin in the Batman movies.

Negative: He may be the first TV lawyer to wear a mask and Technicolor tights. And he looks Canadian.

One that I have seen ads for is ABC’s “Commander-in-Chief,” with Geena Davis playing a vice president who ascends to the Oval Office. We all hope that her new role will not do to television what her embarrassing leads in “Earth Girls Are Easy” and “Cutthroat Island” did to theaters across America. Phew.

Positive: A White House drama may be a good thing, especially because “The West Wing” is starting to get that stale cracker taste.

Negative: Davis’ name on the show is “Mackenzie Allen,” which sounds oddly Canadian.

All this is only serving to reignite my paranoid fear that our neighbors to the north are secretly infiltrating our country’s political leadership and media elite (probably according to the secret battle plan, “Yukon Storm.”)

As you know, Canada-born Peter Jennings recently died. That must mean something. And Bryan Adams IS touring our country right now.

Scary, I know.

So this fall, you all watch these American TV shows and feed me any evidence of the Canuck advance. I’ll be remaining vigilant for any signs of a remake of “Northern Exposure.”