President Bush: Linkin' Up With the Past?

David Amulet is not an avid tabloid reader, so it is not often that he can say the following: The Weekly World News is on to something.

This bastion of definitive sourcing, fact checking, and overall journalistic integrity was recently the ONLY news outlet to report the biggest development in the Bush administration’s handling of Iraq since November 2004, when the US military supposedly treated Fallujah like Godzilla treated Tokyo.

This time, it is news on several planes of existence. For we have learned, through the stellar investigatory skills of the Fourth Estate, that the ghost of Abraham Lincoln advises President Bush on the war in Iraq.

Erstwhile Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Sam Stewart reports that Lincoln’s apparition attends all high-level sessions on Iraq—and that when he first appeared, he gave poor Dick Cheney another heart attack.

Our lanky ex-president took offense at a four-letter word during a meeting, noting that he never took that kind of language from General Grant. Honest Abe even arrived at one such gathering with an axe, threatening anyone who gave him “sass.”

It is all there, in the Weekly Word News story. Trust me.

You naysayers out there may discount this out of hand. It is all too easy, in today’s skeptical world, to dismiss this dispatch from Washington as just another liberal slant. A conservative lie. A Jayson Blair creation.

Need we be so quick to judge? Why must the prospect of an executive specter drive us to the safety and comfort of our preconceived notions of the possible?

We are too hasty about the benefits of connecting with the supernatural. Think about it—could this incorporeal statesman from days of long ago impart some wisdom to W? (Note to reader: rhetorical question. Please say “yes” to yourself now. End note.)

And, because you agree, here are some possible experiences our phantom adviser could bring to bear to assist on our current commander-in-chief:

First, there are those pesky rumors that the Lincoln may have tasted a morsel of the love that dare not speak its name. And I am not referring to those eerie feeling you have toward Spot when he humps the couch.

If indeed our ex-president dabbled in the homoerotic arts, he would be an outstanding choice—even from beyond the grave—to help ease conservative concerns about John Roberts, given his pro bono work for gay rights activists.

Second, let us not forget Abe’s untimely end at the hand of John Wilkes Booth. (Unless you are conspiracy theorist extraordinaire and believe that Castro, the CIA, or Joe DiMaggio went back in time one hundred years and shot the lethal bullet.)

That experience has just GOT to qualify you to counsel our chief executive. I can already hear the conversation in the Oval Office: “Mr. President, I understand if you really need to attend that gala at the Kennedy Center—after all, I do have this strange empathy with JFK … so much more than with James Garfield, Rutherford Hayes, or Chester Arthur. But if you must go, do avoid that nice balcony seat over the left side of the stage, know what I mean?”

And third, let us not forget that whole Civil War thing. Lincoln witnessed the country ripping itself apart—like the 2000 election, but with more guns and stuff—and may be able to prevent it from happening again.

Is there any doubt that if the Democrats end up nominating Hilary we will see the same kind of national friction that set off the guns at Fort Sumter? In the 1980s, I heard a lot of people say they would move to Canada if Jesse Jackson became president … but that will be NOTHING compared to the mass exodus if Bill’s bride makes it to the White House.

Abe was wise. He held our country together (albeit with blood). He told us that a house divided against itself cannot stand. Perhaps his wraith can save us all yet again.

Please Mr. Lincoln, if you care about America—PLEASE steal that under-serviced Rodham vixen from her conniving husband. Take her to Canada, make a home in beautiful Montreal—perchance she will love a place that reminds her of France. Take her to Spain, make a home in sunny Ibiza—maybe she will like a country that ran like a frightened dog from Iraq when al-Qaeda attacked.

Take her to Greece—perhaps she will love the isle of Lesbos.