The Latest Celebrity Fling

I saw the big news last night. Yes, I am referring to Madonna’s horse accident.

Be honest—when was the last time you heard about anything in her life? Fifteen, twenty years ago you could not wake up without Madonna-this or Madonna-that burrowing into your skull. But lately it has been all Jessica Simpson. Michael Jackson. Lindsay Lohan. Tom Cruise.

Team Jolie vs. Team Aniston.

I never thought I would see the day when the Material Girl got less press than Rob Schneider's Deuce Bigelow. But now, all is right with the world. She is in the headlines again.

This time, however, it is not for her usual kind of ride. Yesterday, Mrs. Guy Ritchie instead demonstrated her Christopher Reeve impersonation.

For once, let us cherish that she is only a borderline actress.

Despite riding the horse like a virgin, Madonna must have been under a lucky star … shined on by a ray of light. Although her recovery will be no holiday, she—not for the first time in her life—got off easy. She will live to tell the story of her accident.

After all, her injuries seem to be limited to one shattered collarbone. Several fractured ribs. One broken hand. True blue bruises. And one cracked cone-bra.

Suddenly the world’s eyes are back on her, as if the last decade of shunning the spotlight and raising her kids in relative seclusion never happened. We have our Madonna back, and this time we are not going to let her go so easily.

I expect daily press conferences. Hourly medical updates. Minute-by-minute speculation on her white blood cell count, her inside-the-cast itches, and her nipple hardness.

All this on a day when she was supposed to just take a nice, quiet, private little ride for her 47th birthday. Instead, the Italian got tossed by the stallion.

Don’t even tempt me to make a “mount” joke.